Week 7 Recap
Week 7 is dunzo!
A few things before we get to the recap:
Thanks to all of you for paying!
Payout is:
Championship winner - $180
Championship runner up - $20
Everyone has to keep 3 players after the season.
Me after winning this week:
Week 1's recap is here.
Week 2 is here.
Week 3 is here.
Week 4 is here.
Week 5 is here.
Week 6 is here.
Your standings:
Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend 164, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 105
Vincent Jackson, Matt Forte and RGIII combined for 90 points for the Lennay Kekuas, just 15 less than Shmitty’s entire team. Other nice performances (all worth 18 points, coincidentally) were had by Jamaal Charles, Jermichael Finley (before he died on the field) and Demaryius Thomas. Zac Stacy (18) and Le’Veon Bell (10) even had nice weeks from the bench for MTFG. Shmitty had a solid week that was undone by Arian Foster’s injury (1) and Blair Walsh playing for the Vikings (0). Other than those two, every one of his players had at least 10 points, with Frank Gore (24), Jordan Cameron (19) and Steve Smith (17) leading the way. Peter now sits in second place, leading me in the tiebreaker by 125 points, while Bostaph is one of three teams tied for seventh at 2-5. There are still six regular season games to play, and all of those teams are still just two games out, so the season ain’t over yet. Shmitty will get Drew Brees back as he faces off against the greatest team on Earth this week (me!) while Peter will take on Team Kelly, but has Matt Forte, Torrey Smith and the Ravens’ D on bye and Jermichael Finley out indefinitely.
Miley’s VMA Foam Finger 140, SCLSU Mud Dogs 108
Aziz stays undefeated thanks to Peyton’s arm (25), AJ Green’s beastness (17) and 15-17 points out of Ryan Mathews, Fred Jackson, Wes Welker and Jordy Nelson. Tate had a huge week out of Megatron (36), but his next highest scorer was Julius Thomas (15) and saw mediocre performances from two of his other studs, Tony Romo (12) and LeSean McCoy (13). It also doesn’t help that Larry Fitzgerald had 3 and the Broncos’ D had 1 point. Aziz still sits comfortably in first place, two games ahead of Peter and I and three ahead of Tate and Kyle, who are fighting for fourth place (currently Tate holds the tiebreaker by 29 points). In week 8, Tate takes on the surging 2-5 Juicy J while Aziz faces off against the Titsburgh Feelers.
Juicy J 131, Don’t Suh Me Bro 125
Two weeks ago, Ben lost a heartbreaker to Tate as Bilal Powell failed to get the 9 points Ben needed to win during the MNF game. Last night, Ben lost a heartbreaker to John as Adrian Peterson failed to get the 13 points Ben needed to win during the MNF game. Juicy J put up his second straight solid week, getting 20+ points from Aaron Rodgers (23), Eddie Lacy (21) and Eric Decker (29). Ben was undone by Nick “Napoleon Dynamite” Foles (5) and Adrian Peterson (6), ruining great performances from Jacquizz Rodgers (25), Harry Douglas (27) and Chris Johnson (20). These two teams are now 9th and 10th in the league, but Juicy J is 2 games out of a playoff spot and Bean is 2.5. Juicy J faces Tater’s Tots in week 8 while The Beanie Babies get Team Sexton Rexton. Tune in next week to see Ben lead Kyle by 20 points going into MNF and then the Seahawks’ D then scoring -21 points.
After beating Ben and I in back-to-back weeks, John will now move up in the couch booty pyramid.
Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 107, Team Sexton 88
It wasn’t pretty, but I’ll take it. None of my players topped the 20 points threshold, but I had enough guys score 11-19 points to survive the week. Dez Bryant (19) and Carolina’s D (17) were my top performers. Kyle had a great week by Andrew Luck (29) that scared me a bit, as he, Trent Richardson and Knowshon Moreno all had the ability to ruin my week on SNF; luckily for me, that didn’t happen, as Richardson scored 1 and Moreno scored 13. Sexton Rexton had two 1 point players (Richardson and Lions DST) and two 5 pointers (DeSean Jackson and Ryan Succop), dragging the rest of his team down in defeat.
I’m now 5-2 but would lose a points scored tiebreak to the rest of the teams with winning records if the season ended today, so I certainly need to keep winning. Kyle is currently on the outside looking in at 29 points behind Tate for 4th place, but there is a lot of season left to play. I get Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham back (hopefully) in my matchup against Shmitty Werbenmanjensen this week while Sexton gets a Don’t Suh Me Bro team who is hungry for a win.
Titsburgh Feelers 98, Team Kelly 87
The matchup between two of the three Tech Bros went down to the wire, with Reggie Wayne, Victor Cruz and Greg Jennings playing SNF and MNF for Team Kelly, down 39 points. Fortunately for Brett, the three combined to score just 28, allowing a team that started Chris Ogbonnaya and Miles Austin this week to win their second game of the year. Team Kelly sits in sixth place thanks to their one less loss and one more tie while Titsburgh is in the three way tie for 7th. Each team will have a tough matchup next week, as Titsburgh faces off against the undefeated Miley Cyrus Syphilis Fingers while Team Kelly faces off against Manti Te’o’s Fake with four players on bye plus three more that are listed as questionable.
And now, your NFL GIFcaps!
Seahawks 34, Cardinals 22
The Seahawks rode back-to-back third quarter TD’s to victory on Thursday night. Russell Wilson threw 3 TD’s and managed the game pretty well and Marshawn Lynch added 91 yards rushing and a TD himself. As per the usual, Carson Palmer threw the ball a lot, but just kinda okay (30/45 for 1 TD and 2 picks) and got sacked 7 times. The Cardinals’ running game is abysmal (18 carries for 30 yards AND A MENDENHALL TD!!). Seattle is a half game ahead of New Orleans for first place in the NFC and one game ahead of San Francisco for first place in the NFC West. Arizona is still just one game out of a playoff spot at 3-4.
Golden Tate celebrates TD that got called back because Golden Tate
Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode, part 1,000,000
Awesome effort by Russell Wilson here
Lynch flipped off his sideline after the Seahawks called a pass on 3rd and goal from the 1
Redskins 45, Bears 41
THE. REDSKINS. WON. ANOTHER. GAME. It sure wasn’t pretty for either team (especially for the Bears), but the Redskins did enough to escape this shootout. RGIII looked pretty good for the second straight week (18/29 for 298, 2 TD and 1 pick, 11 carries for 84 yards) and Roy Helu had three rushing TD’s to lead the way for the Skins. Things could have been much different had Jay Cutler not been injured on a second quarter sack, but Bears backup QB Josh McCown was actually really good, completing 70% of his passes for 204 yards and a TD. And I can’t just not mention that Matt Forte also had 3 TD’s rushing for Chicago. Brandon Marshall is not happy about Brandon Meriweather’s hits, and I can’t blame him. At this point, Meriweather is hurting opponents, himself and his team with these hits. The Skins are a game and a half out of both the NFC East division lead and the #6 seed in the NFC playoff hunt while the Bears are currently on the outside looking in, tied with Detroit for sixth but with a head-to-head loss pushing them to seventh.
Cutler will apparently be out for four weeks. Here’s the play that hurt him:
The Redskins’ special teams are fucking horrible
Falcons 31, Buccaneers 23
The Buccaneers are used to having MRSA all over their faces, but this week it was Jacquizz in their face, as the lil running back caught 8 passes for 46 yards and 2 TD’s. Matt Ryan had a productive day (20/26 for 273 and 3 TD) but the Falcons had issues moving the ball in general, with just 15 first downs and 18 rushing yards. Harry Douglas caught 7 passes for 149 yards and a TD, which is cool if you’re into a hairy guy named Douglas scoring you lots of points. Doug Martin got hurt, and looks like he may be out for a while, which makes me sad. I made trade offers to get Martin in three different leagues last week; thank goodness none of them got accepted. Atlanta is tied with the Redskins for 12th in the NFC and is a game and a half out of the sixth playoff spot and three out of the division lead. The Bucs are tied for first…in the race for the first overall pick!
Vincent Jackson had a nice day
Bengals 27, Lions 24
This was a great game if you had Andy Dalton or Matt Stafford (each had 350+ yards, 3 TD and 0 INT). This was a great game if you had one of the stud WR’s, AJ Green or Calvin Johnson (each had exactly 155 yards; Green had 1 TD, Johnson had 2). This was a terrible game if you had one of the running backs on either side (the teams combined for 134 yards rushing and 0 TD’s, with Reggie Bush at 50 yards being the top rusher in the game). Lions punter Sam Martin let off a 28 yard footderp in the final minute that allowed Mike Nugent to kick a clutch, game-winning field goal for the second week in a row. Cincy has a comfortable (for the time being) two game lead over Baltimore and Cleveland and two and a half over Pittsburgh in the AFC North race while the Lions currently hold the NFC’s sixth and final playoff spot and sit just half a game behind Green Bay for the NFC North division lead.
Calvin Johnson did this, proving that I could throw a TD pass to Calvin Johnson
AJ Green did this, proving that I could throw a TD pass to AJ Green
The only way to stop Megatron is to knock his head off
I’m going to name my first child Joe Fauria
Bills 23, Dolphins 21
Remember when the Dolphins started out 3-0? Neither do I. Despite being a mess on offense, the Bills emerged with a road win on Sunday. Thad Lewis had a respectable day, going 21/32 for 202 and a pick; he was sacked four times, though. Five different Buffalo backs had between 11 and 36 yards. CJ Spiller, who was drafted in the top 5 or so in most leagues this year, carried 6 times for 11 yards and caught 3 passes for -4 yards. It’s really, REALLY hard to catch 3 passes and have them add up to -4 yards. He must have been hung over still from the ass-whoopin’ that Florida State put on Clemson on Saturday night. Ryan Tannehill looked good and bad, completing just over 50% of his passes for 194 yards, 3 TD (good!) and 2 INT (bad!). He also lost a fumble. Charles Clay continued his “score TD’s, do nothing else” season with a seven yard TD catch and nothing else. Brandon Gibson caught the other 2 TD’s from Tannehill’s sexy hands (no idea why I just said he has sexy hands). Because the Patriots are dragging their feet, both teams are still in the thick of things in the AFC East, with Miami a game and a half behind and Buffalo a full two games back. Miami is just half a game out of the sixth and final playoff spot, though, as Buffalo stands a full game out. If either of these teams make the playoffs, though, LOL, because that almost certainly means that Baltimore and Pittsburgh miss out.
Cool dive, brah.
BRANDON GIBSON, FOLKS
Jets 30, Patriots 27 (OT)
Chris Jones of the Patriots found the perfect time to be the first person called for a new penalty that doesn’t allow you to push a teammate into the opposing team’s formation: with time waning down in overtime, just as Nick Folk missed a 56 yard field goal. Folk ended up hitting a 42 yarder to give the Jets a huge 30-27 victory, putting them at a very surprising 4-3. Tom Brady had another mediocre game, throwing for under 50% in a game that Gronk played in for just the third time ever. He had 228 yards through the air and 1 pick; Gronk hauled in 8 passes for 114 yards, but didn’t get his mitts on over half of his 17 targets from Brady. Geno Smith continued to do enough to win (17/33 for 233, 1 TD and 1 pick, plus 32 yards on the ground and a rushing TD) and CHRIS IVORY HAD A 100 YARD GAME. The Pats still lead the division by a game over the Jets, and the Jets are tied with San Diego for the final playoff spot in the AFC, currently on the outside looking in due to a strength of victory tiebreak.
GRONK SIGHTING
Brady’s ZOMGREALLY?!?!?!1?? face is becoming the rule rather than the exception
Best spike ever? Worst spike ever? D. None of the Above. Correct answer: most Geno Smith spike ever.
Darren Sharper, hold my diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!
The penalty in question
Here’s footage of Folk’s original kick attempt:
The Jets did their homework and alerted officials that the Pats broke this new rule regularly
Cowgirls 17, Iggles 3
The Cowgirls were without DeMarcus Ware, but still had no issue shutting down the “prolific” Eagles offense (note – they only have 17 more points scored than the Redskins now, despite having played one more game). Nick Foles was awful (11/29 for 80 yards) before being injured on the last play of the third quarter. Matt Barkley was just as bad if not worse in relief (11/20, 129 yards, 0 TD/3 INT). Tony Romo was good but not great (28/47 for 317, 1 TD and 2 picks) and who cares about this game because it’s the Cowgirls and the Iggles. Dallas is now 4-3 and first in the NFC East while Philly falls to 3-4. The Iggles are a game out of both the division and sixth place.
This amused me:
Panthers 30, Rams 15
It’s strange how a Carolina-St. Louis game can make me feel all warm and happy inside, but that’s what happens when Chris Long loses his cool and then makes fun of Carolina fans for throwing Zimas. POT, MEET KETTLE.
Chris Long gets tossed out by Ben Hartsock, whose name makes me giggle. HE WEARS HIS HEART ON HIS SOCKS.
Dear James Laurinaitis,
It’s more effective to mock the other team’s celebration when you don’t get doubled up in points.
THE MORE YOU KNOW!
I still love that this guy’s parents named him Captain. 11% of the Panthers players were named captains this year, but he’s not one of them, even though he is named Captain.
In other game news, Sam Bradford tore his ACL and is done for the year. Rams fans, hope you like Kellen Clemens! This game looks like it was boring (the teams combined for 599 total yards) so I won’t bother you with stats and that janx. Carolina is 2 games behind New Orleans in the NFC South race and a half game out of a wild card spot while the Rams are three out of the NFC West race and one out of the NFC’s six spot.
Chargers 24, Jaguars 6
Philip Rivers was surgical in his precision (22/26 for 285 and a TD) and Ryan Mathews had 110 and a TD to defeat the hapless Jaguars. Nothing much else to see here. The Chargers hold the tiebreaker over the Jets for the time being for sixth in the AFC and are three out of the AFC West. The Jaguars are currently trailing the Chargers in the playoff hunt by four games and LOLOLOL I CAN’T EVEN PRETEND TO WRITE ABOUT THEIR PLAYOFF HOPES WITHOUT LAUGHING. The Bucs are still winless too, though, so at least they have company in the bottomless pit that is last place in the NFL.
Justin Blackmon hates security guards
49ers 31, Titans 17
First of all, major props to Jake Locker for coming back from the injury and playing competently, going 25/41 for 326, 2 TD and a pick. The 49ers went ahead 24-0 early, and simply coasted along to the end, letting the Titans shoot themselves in the foot with penalties (10 for 100 yards), turnovers (2, including one fumble returned for a TD) and mistakes (offsides on an onside kick with 3:17 left). Colin Kaepernick wasn’t special with his arm (13/21 for 199) but had a nice day on the ground, running 11 times for 68 yards and a TD. Frank Gore had 2 rushing TD’s apparently for the first time since week 17 in 2009. Chris Johnson was garbage running the ball as per the usual this season but had a 66 yard TD reception. The 49ers are hanging in the division hunt, just 1 game behind Seattle. Tennessee is 1 game behind San Diego for 6th in the AFC wildcard hunt and 2 games behind Indy in the AFC South race.
Bust a Kaep
Harbaugh face
Packers 31, Browns 13
The Packers looked good despite wearing their ugly retro uniforms. Aaron Rodgers went 25/36 with 3 TD’s and 260 yards. Eddie Lacy had 82 yards and a TD. My main man Jarrett Boykin had 103 yards and a TD on 8 catches. Things got scary, however, as Jermichael Finley was carted off on a stretcher in the fourth quarter after a Tashaun Gipson hit. Thankfully, he’s got feeling in his extremities now. It’s a shame that he got hurt in a game where he had 0 drops, too; that’s a once in a blue moon thing. Jordan Cameron scored a TD for the Browns, because he’s apparently the only one that can do such things this year. The Pack are now 4-2 and a half game ahead of both Detroit and Chicago in the NFC North. The Browns fall to 3-4 and are two games down in the AFC North and one behind the last wild card team, San Diego.
Finley’s TD
Finley’s injury
Chiefs 17, Texans 16
It wasn’t pretty, but the Chiefs managed to win and get to 7-0. Jamaal Charles and Alex Smith each had a rushing TD for the Chiefs while rookie QB Case Keenum threw a TD to rookie WR DeAndre Hopkins for Houston. Keenum was a competent 15/25 for 271 yards and no picks (although he did lose a fumble). Arian Foster left with a pulled hammy and LB Brian Cushing broke his leg and tore his LCL. The Chiefs are the only remaining undefeated team now that Denver lost (sorry, you haven’t read far enough to see that Denver lost yet. Should have prefaced that with SPOILER ALERT!!!). The Texans are now 15th out of 16 in the AFC at 2-5, yet are still just 2 games out of the playoffs. With five remaining division games (including 2 vs Jacksonville) and non-division games yet to come vs Arizona and Oakland, I still wouldn’t be surprised to see Houston make things interesting.
Dwayne Bowe’s most interesting play all season:
Seriously, the Chiefs scored on THIS PLAY:
Chiefs fans are pissing themselves in excitement over being 7-0!
To make things worse for Houston fans, Bud Adams died on Monday; the fact that he died will probably make them happy, as he is the one who stole the Oilers from them, but he’ll probably be buried in this pose to give a forever FU to Houston.
And once again, I present “Excited Andy Reid Is Excited” (aka what I looked like after the Redskins won on Sunday)
Steelers 19, Ravens 16
Is there anything worse than a Pittsburgh-Baltimore game? I hate both teams and fanbases (I AM SO BIASSSSSS!) and every time they match up, the game is boring as heck but stays close the whole time. I guess I’m glad that the Steelers won, because Pittsburgh is pretty much out of it and they’re dragging Baltimore down with them. Joe “ELITE” Flacco went 24/34 for 215 and a TD to Dallas “I still play in the NFL?” Clark, Ben “PROBABLY A RAPIST” Roethlisberger went 17/23 for 160 and a TD to Heath “is this Madden 2006?” Miller. Justin Tucker kicked 3 field goals and Shaun Suisham kicked 4. Seriously, this field goal fest was like being stabbed to death with one of those tiny wooden spoons that comes with ballpark Italian Ice. Baltimore is still just one game behind San Diego in the WC hunt but two behind Cincy for the division while the Ben Stillers are one and a half and two and a half back, respectively.
For once, Troy Polamalu timed the jump wrong
Colts 39, Broncos 33
Andrew Luck outdueled Peyton Manning in a thrilling 39-33 win in Peyton’s return to Indy. Luck went 21/38 for 228 and 3 TD’s (and added a rushing TD), throwing to the likes of Darrius Heyward-Bey, Stanley Havili and Coby Fleener. Seriously, if you throw TD’s to those three guys, you should turn into Beetlejuice or something. Luck did, however, end Reggie Wayne’s season by throwing an awful pass behind his wide open receiver, making Wayne twist his knee to try and grab it, tearing his ACL in the process. He feels bad about it. Peyton had two big mistakes, throwing a pick and taking a safety on an end zone fumble, but just didn’t look quite right all game.
Also, Pat McAfee is a beast. And once was arrested for swimming in an Indianapolis canal back in 2010.
Let’s play pinball! Trindon, you’re the pinball!
Giants 23, Vikings 7
If you watched this entire game like I did, I’m so, so sorry. We seen some things. The Vikings ran for 2.1 yards per carry, which is 0.1 better than the Giants. Josh Freeman went 20/53. Minnesota fumbled twice and threw a pick. Peyton Hillis had eight more touches than Adrian Peterson (and 25 more total yards). What a pooptastic MNF game.
I bet Jared Allen did all of this while whispering a “69” joke in the lineman’s ear.
Mad Tom Coughlin
Happy Tom Coughlin?
What’s your first reaction when you’re a cornerback and the ball is coming towards you? If you said “duck” you may be Chris Cook. He learned how to provide awful defense at UVA, by the way.
I still have no idea why Sharrif Floyd was returning a kickoff.
I do have an idea why Marcus Sherels was returning punts, though.
GIFS from
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erikmalinowski/the-best-gifs-of-nfl-week-7-megatron-flies-high
http://deadspin.com/the-holy-grail-a-kicker-demolishing-a-returner-1448863469
http://deadspin.com/what-do-you-mean-were-only-up-24-1448809320
http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/hes-not-s-a-f-e-1448731246/@barryap
http://deadspin.com/ben-hartsock-does-his-best-mlb-ump-impression-as-chris-1448731165
http://deadspin.com/obscure-new-rule-gives-jets-an-overtime-win-over-the-pa-1448764648
http://deadspin.com/calvin-johnson-is-unguardable-1448751725
http://www.businessinsider.com/the-19-best-gifs-from-nfl-week-7-2013-10
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/jared-allen-sack-against-giants-ridiculous-show-strength-022130612--nfl.html
http://fansided.com/2013/10/21/vikings-marcus-sherels-returns-punt-86-yards-touchdown-gif/
http://gamedayr.com/sports/gif-sharrif-floyd-kickoff-fumble/
A few things before we get to the recap:
Thanks to all of you for paying!
Payout is:
Championship winner - $180
Championship runner up - $20
Everyone has to keep 3 players after the season.
Me after winning this week:
Week 1's recap is here.
Week 2 is here.
Week 3 is here.
Week 4 is here.
Week 5 is here.
Week 6 is here.
Your standings:
Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend 164, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 105
Vincent Jackson, Matt Forte and RGIII combined for 90 points for the Lennay Kekuas, just 15 less than Shmitty’s entire team. Other nice performances (all worth 18 points, coincidentally) were had by Jamaal Charles, Jermichael Finley (before he died on the field) and Demaryius Thomas. Zac Stacy (18) and Le’Veon Bell (10) even had nice weeks from the bench for MTFG. Shmitty had a solid week that was undone by Arian Foster’s injury (1) and Blair Walsh playing for the Vikings (0). Other than those two, every one of his players had at least 10 points, with Frank Gore (24), Jordan Cameron (19) and Steve Smith (17) leading the way. Peter now sits in second place, leading me in the tiebreaker by 125 points, while Bostaph is one of three teams tied for seventh at 2-5. There are still six regular season games to play, and all of those teams are still just two games out, so the season ain’t over yet. Shmitty will get Drew Brees back as he faces off against the greatest team on Earth this week (me!) while Peter will take on Team Kelly, but has Matt Forte, Torrey Smith and the Ravens’ D on bye and Jermichael Finley out indefinitely.
Miley’s VMA Foam Finger 140, SCLSU Mud Dogs 108
Aziz stays undefeated thanks to Peyton’s arm (25), AJ Green’s beastness (17) and 15-17 points out of Ryan Mathews, Fred Jackson, Wes Welker and Jordy Nelson. Tate had a huge week out of Megatron (36), but his next highest scorer was Julius Thomas (15) and saw mediocre performances from two of his other studs, Tony Romo (12) and LeSean McCoy (13). It also doesn’t help that Larry Fitzgerald had 3 and the Broncos’ D had 1 point. Aziz still sits comfortably in first place, two games ahead of Peter and I and three ahead of Tate and Kyle, who are fighting for fourth place (currently Tate holds the tiebreaker by 29 points). In week 8, Tate takes on the surging 2-5 Juicy J while Aziz faces off against the Titsburgh Feelers.
Juicy J 131, Don’t Suh Me Bro 125
Two weeks ago, Ben lost a heartbreaker to Tate as Bilal Powell failed to get the 9 points Ben needed to win during the MNF game. Last night, Ben lost a heartbreaker to John as Adrian Peterson failed to get the 13 points Ben needed to win during the MNF game. Juicy J put up his second straight solid week, getting 20+ points from Aaron Rodgers (23), Eddie Lacy (21) and Eric Decker (29). Ben was undone by Nick “Napoleon Dynamite” Foles (5) and Adrian Peterson (6), ruining great performances from Jacquizz Rodgers (25), Harry Douglas (27) and Chris Johnson (20). These two teams are now 9th and 10th in the league, but Juicy J is 2 games out of a playoff spot and Bean is 2.5. Juicy J faces Tater’s Tots in week 8 while The Beanie Babies get Team Sexton Rexton. Tune in next week to see Ben lead Kyle by 20 points going into MNF and then the Seahawks’ D then scoring -21 points.
After beating Ben and I in back-to-back weeks, John will now move up in the couch booty pyramid.
Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 107, Team Sexton 88
It wasn’t pretty, but I’ll take it. None of my players topped the 20 points threshold, but I had enough guys score 11-19 points to survive the week. Dez Bryant (19) and Carolina’s D (17) were my top performers. Kyle had a great week by Andrew Luck (29) that scared me a bit, as he, Trent Richardson and Knowshon Moreno all had the ability to ruin my week on SNF; luckily for me, that didn’t happen, as Richardson scored 1 and Moreno scored 13. Sexton Rexton had two 1 point players (Richardson and Lions DST) and two 5 pointers (DeSean Jackson and Ryan Succop), dragging the rest of his team down in defeat.
I’m now 5-2 but would lose a points scored tiebreak to the rest of the teams with winning records if the season ended today, so I certainly need to keep winning. Kyle is currently on the outside looking in at 29 points behind Tate for 4th place, but there is a lot of season left to play. I get Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham back (hopefully) in my matchup against Shmitty Werbenmanjensen this week while Sexton gets a Don’t Suh Me Bro team who is hungry for a win.
Titsburgh Feelers 98, Team Kelly 87
The matchup between two of the three Tech Bros went down to the wire, with Reggie Wayne, Victor Cruz and Greg Jennings playing SNF and MNF for Team Kelly, down 39 points. Fortunately for Brett, the three combined to score just 28, allowing a team that started Chris Ogbonnaya and Miles Austin this week to win their second game of the year. Team Kelly sits in sixth place thanks to their one less loss and one more tie while Titsburgh is in the three way tie for 7th. Each team will have a tough matchup next week, as Titsburgh faces off against the undefeated Miley Cyrus Syphilis Fingers while Team Kelly faces off against Manti Te’o’s Fake with four players on bye plus three more that are listed as questionable.
And now, your NFL GIFcaps!
Seahawks 34, Cardinals 22
The Seahawks rode back-to-back third quarter TD’s to victory on Thursday night. Russell Wilson threw 3 TD’s and managed the game pretty well and Marshawn Lynch added 91 yards rushing and a TD himself. As per the usual, Carson Palmer threw the ball a lot, but just kinda okay (30/45 for 1 TD and 2 picks) and got sacked 7 times. The Cardinals’ running game is abysmal (18 carries for 30 yards AND A MENDENHALL TD!!). Seattle is a half game ahead of New Orleans for first place in the NFC and one game ahead of San Francisco for first place in the NFC West. Arizona is still just one game out of a playoff spot at 3-4.
Golden Tate celebrates TD that got called back because Golden Tate
Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode, part 1,000,000
Awesome effort by Russell Wilson here
Lynch flipped off his sideline after the Seahawks called a pass on 3rd and goal from the 1
Redskins 45, Bears 41
THE. REDSKINS. WON. ANOTHER. GAME. It sure wasn’t pretty for either team (especially for the Bears), but the Redskins did enough to escape this shootout. RGIII looked pretty good for the second straight week (18/29 for 298, 2 TD and 1 pick, 11 carries for 84 yards) and Roy Helu had three rushing TD’s to lead the way for the Skins. Things could have been much different had Jay Cutler not been injured on a second quarter sack, but Bears backup QB Josh McCown was actually really good, completing 70% of his passes for 204 yards and a TD. And I can’t just not mention that Matt Forte also had 3 TD’s rushing for Chicago. Brandon Marshall is not happy about Brandon Meriweather’s hits, and I can’t blame him. At this point, Meriweather is hurting opponents, himself and his team with these hits. The Skins are a game and a half out of both the NFC East division lead and the #6 seed in the NFC playoff hunt while the Bears are currently on the outside looking in, tied with Detroit for sixth but with a head-to-head loss pushing them to seventh.
Cutler will apparently be out for four weeks. Here’s the play that hurt him:
The Redskins’ special teams are fucking horrible
Falcons 31, Buccaneers 23
The Buccaneers are used to having MRSA all over their faces, but this week it was Jacquizz in their face, as the lil running back caught 8 passes for 46 yards and 2 TD’s. Matt Ryan had a productive day (20/26 for 273 and 3 TD) but the Falcons had issues moving the ball in general, with just 15 first downs and 18 rushing yards. Harry Douglas caught 7 passes for 149 yards and a TD, which is cool if you’re into a hairy guy named Douglas scoring you lots of points. Doug Martin got hurt, and looks like he may be out for a while, which makes me sad. I made trade offers to get Martin in three different leagues last week; thank goodness none of them got accepted. Atlanta is tied with the Redskins for 12th in the NFC and is a game and a half out of the sixth playoff spot and three out of the division lead. The Bucs are tied for first…in the race for the first overall pick!
Vincent Jackson had a nice day
Bengals 27, Lions 24
This was a great game if you had Andy Dalton or Matt Stafford (each had 350+ yards, 3 TD and 0 INT). This was a great game if you had one of the stud WR’s, AJ Green or Calvin Johnson (each had exactly 155 yards; Green had 1 TD, Johnson had 2). This was a terrible game if you had one of the running backs on either side (the teams combined for 134 yards rushing and 0 TD’s, with Reggie Bush at 50 yards being the top rusher in the game). Lions punter Sam Martin let off a 28 yard footderp in the final minute that allowed Mike Nugent to kick a clutch, game-winning field goal for the second week in a row. Cincy has a comfortable (for the time being) two game lead over Baltimore and Cleveland and two and a half over Pittsburgh in the AFC North race while the Lions currently hold the NFC’s sixth and final playoff spot and sit just half a game behind Green Bay for the NFC North division lead.
Calvin Johnson did this, proving that I could throw a TD pass to Calvin Johnson
AJ Green did this, proving that I could throw a TD pass to AJ Green
The only way to stop Megatron is to knock his head off
I’m going to name my first child Joe Fauria
Bills 23, Dolphins 21
Remember when the Dolphins started out 3-0? Neither do I. Despite being a mess on offense, the Bills emerged with a road win on Sunday. Thad Lewis had a respectable day, going 21/32 for 202 and a pick; he was sacked four times, though. Five different Buffalo backs had between 11 and 36 yards. CJ Spiller, who was drafted in the top 5 or so in most leagues this year, carried 6 times for 11 yards and caught 3 passes for -4 yards. It’s really, REALLY hard to catch 3 passes and have them add up to -4 yards. He must have been hung over still from the ass-whoopin’ that Florida State put on Clemson on Saturday night. Ryan Tannehill looked good and bad, completing just over 50% of his passes for 194 yards, 3 TD (good!) and 2 INT (bad!). He also lost a fumble. Charles Clay continued his “score TD’s, do nothing else” season with a seven yard TD catch and nothing else. Brandon Gibson caught the other 2 TD’s from Tannehill’s sexy hands (no idea why I just said he has sexy hands). Because the Patriots are dragging their feet, both teams are still in the thick of things in the AFC East, with Miami a game and a half behind and Buffalo a full two games back. Miami is just half a game out of the sixth and final playoff spot, though, as Buffalo stands a full game out. If either of these teams make the playoffs, though, LOL, because that almost certainly means that Baltimore and Pittsburgh miss out.
Cool dive, brah.
BRANDON GIBSON, FOLKS
Jets 30, Patriots 27 (OT)
Chris Jones of the Patriots found the perfect time to be the first person called for a new penalty that doesn’t allow you to push a teammate into the opposing team’s formation: with time waning down in overtime, just as Nick Folk missed a 56 yard field goal. Folk ended up hitting a 42 yarder to give the Jets a huge 30-27 victory, putting them at a very surprising 4-3. Tom Brady had another mediocre game, throwing for under 50% in a game that Gronk played in for just the third time ever. He had 228 yards through the air and 1 pick; Gronk hauled in 8 passes for 114 yards, but didn’t get his mitts on over half of his 17 targets from Brady. Geno Smith continued to do enough to win (17/33 for 233, 1 TD and 1 pick, plus 32 yards on the ground and a rushing TD) and CHRIS IVORY HAD A 100 YARD GAME. The Pats still lead the division by a game over the Jets, and the Jets are tied with San Diego for the final playoff spot in the AFC, currently on the outside looking in due to a strength of victory tiebreak.
GRONK SIGHTING
Brady’s ZOMGREALLY?!?!?!1?? face is becoming the rule rather than the exception
Best spike ever? Worst spike ever? D. None of the Above. Correct answer: most Geno Smith spike ever.
Darren Sharper, hold my diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!
The penalty in question
Here’s footage of Folk’s original kick attempt:
The Jets did their homework and alerted officials that the Pats broke this new rule regularly
Cowgirls 17, Iggles 3
The Cowgirls were without DeMarcus Ware, but still had no issue shutting down the “prolific” Eagles offense (note – they only have 17 more points scored than the Redskins now, despite having played one more game). Nick Foles was awful (11/29 for 80 yards) before being injured on the last play of the third quarter. Matt Barkley was just as bad if not worse in relief (11/20, 129 yards, 0 TD/3 INT). Tony Romo was good but not great (28/47 for 317, 1 TD and 2 picks) and who cares about this game because it’s the Cowgirls and the Iggles. Dallas is now 4-3 and first in the NFC East while Philly falls to 3-4. The Iggles are a game out of both the division and sixth place.
This amused me:
Panthers 30, Rams 15
It’s strange how a Carolina-St. Louis game can make me feel all warm and happy inside, but that’s what happens when Chris Long loses his cool and then makes fun of Carolina fans for throwing Zimas. POT, MEET KETTLE.
Chris Long gets tossed out by Ben Hartsock, whose name makes me giggle. HE WEARS HIS HEART ON HIS SOCKS.
Dear James Laurinaitis,
It’s more effective to mock the other team’s celebration when you don’t get doubled up in points.
THE MORE YOU KNOW!
I still love that this guy’s parents named him Captain. 11% of the Panthers players were named captains this year, but he’s not one of them, even though he is named Captain.
In other game news, Sam Bradford tore his ACL and is done for the year. Rams fans, hope you like Kellen Clemens! This game looks like it was boring (the teams combined for 599 total yards) so I won’t bother you with stats and that janx. Carolina is 2 games behind New Orleans in the NFC South race and a half game out of a wild card spot while the Rams are three out of the NFC West race and one out of the NFC’s six spot.
Chargers 24, Jaguars 6
Philip Rivers was surgical in his precision (22/26 for 285 and a TD) and Ryan Mathews had 110 and a TD to defeat the hapless Jaguars. Nothing much else to see here. The Chargers hold the tiebreaker over the Jets for the time being for sixth in the AFC and are three out of the AFC West. The Jaguars are currently trailing the Chargers in the playoff hunt by four games and LOLOLOL I CAN’T EVEN PRETEND TO WRITE ABOUT THEIR PLAYOFF HOPES WITHOUT LAUGHING. The Bucs are still winless too, though, so at least they have company in the bottomless pit that is last place in the NFL.
Justin Blackmon hates security guards
49ers 31, Titans 17
First of all, major props to Jake Locker for coming back from the injury and playing competently, going 25/41 for 326, 2 TD and a pick. The 49ers went ahead 24-0 early, and simply coasted along to the end, letting the Titans shoot themselves in the foot with penalties (10 for 100 yards), turnovers (2, including one fumble returned for a TD) and mistakes (offsides on an onside kick with 3:17 left). Colin Kaepernick wasn’t special with his arm (13/21 for 199) but had a nice day on the ground, running 11 times for 68 yards and a TD. Frank Gore had 2 rushing TD’s apparently for the first time since week 17 in 2009. Chris Johnson was garbage running the ball as per the usual this season but had a 66 yard TD reception. The 49ers are hanging in the division hunt, just 1 game behind Seattle. Tennessee is 1 game behind San Diego for 6th in the AFC wildcard hunt and 2 games behind Indy in the AFC South race.
Bust a Kaep
Harbaugh face
Packers 31, Browns 13
The Packers looked good despite wearing their ugly retro uniforms. Aaron Rodgers went 25/36 with 3 TD’s and 260 yards. Eddie Lacy had 82 yards and a TD. My main man Jarrett Boykin had 103 yards and a TD on 8 catches. Things got scary, however, as Jermichael Finley was carted off on a stretcher in the fourth quarter after a Tashaun Gipson hit. Thankfully, he’s got feeling in his extremities now. It’s a shame that he got hurt in a game where he had 0 drops, too; that’s a once in a blue moon thing. Jordan Cameron scored a TD for the Browns, because he’s apparently the only one that can do such things this year. The Pack are now 4-2 and a half game ahead of both Detroit and Chicago in the NFC North. The Browns fall to 3-4 and are two games down in the AFC North and one behind the last wild card team, San Diego.
Finley’s TD
Finley’s injury
Chiefs 17, Texans 16
It wasn’t pretty, but the Chiefs managed to win and get to 7-0. Jamaal Charles and Alex Smith each had a rushing TD for the Chiefs while rookie QB Case Keenum threw a TD to rookie WR DeAndre Hopkins for Houston. Keenum was a competent 15/25 for 271 yards and no picks (although he did lose a fumble). Arian Foster left with a pulled hammy and LB Brian Cushing broke his leg and tore his LCL. The Chiefs are the only remaining undefeated team now that Denver lost (sorry, you haven’t read far enough to see that Denver lost yet. Should have prefaced that with SPOILER ALERT!!!). The Texans are now 15th out of 16 in the AFC at 2-5, yet are still just 2 games out of the playoffs. With five remaining division games (including 2 vs Jacksonville) and non-division games yet to come vs Arizona and Oakland, I still wouldn’t be surprised to see Houston make things interesting.
Dwayne Bowe’s most interesting play all season:
Seriously, the Chiefs scored on THIS PLAY:
Chiefs fans are pissing themselves in excitement over being 7-0!
To make things worse for Houston fans, Bud Adams died on Monday; the fact that he died will probably make them happy, as he is the one who stole the Oilers from them, but he’ll probably be buried in this pose to give a forever FU to Houston.
And once again, I present “Excited Andy Reid Is Excited” (aka what I looked like after the Redskins won on Sunday)
Steelers 19, Ravens 16
Is there anything worse than a Pittsburgh-Baltimore game? I hate both teams and fanbases (I AM SO BIASSSSSS!) and every time they match up, the game is boring as heck but stays close the whole time. I guess I’m glad that the Steelers won, because Pittsburgh is pretty much out of it and they’re dragging Baltimore down with them. Joe “ELITE” Flacco went 24/34 for 215 and a TD to Dallas “I still play in the NFL?” Clark, Ben “PROBABLY A RAPIST” Roethlisberger went 17/23 for 160 and a TD to Heath “is this Madden 2006?” Miller. Justin Tucker kicked 3 field goals and Shaun Suisham kicked 4. Seriously, this field goal fest was like being stabbed to death with one of those tiny wooden spoons that comes with ballpark Italian Ice. Baltimore is still just one game behind San Diego in the WC hunt but two behind Cincy for the division while the Ben Stillers are one and a half and two and a half back, respectively.
For once, Troy Polamalu timed the jump wrong
Colts 39, Broncos 33
Andrew Luck outdueled Peyton Manning in a thrilling 39-33 win in Peyton’s return to Indy. Luck went 21/38 for 228 and 3 TD’s (and added a rushing TD), throwing to the likes of Darrius Heyward-Bey, Stanley Havili and Coby Fleener. Seriously, if you throw TD’s to those three guys, you should turn into Beetlejuice or something. Luck did, however, end Reggie Wayne’s season by throwing an awful pass behind his wide open receiver, making Wayne twist his knee to try and grab it, tearing his ACL in the process. He feels bad about it. Peyton had two big mistakes, throwing a pick and taking a safety on an end zone fumble, but just didn’t look quite right all game.
Also, Pat McAfee is a beast. And once was arrested for swimming in an Indianapolis canal back in 2010.
Let’s play pinball! Trindon, you’re the pinball!
Giants 23, Vikings 7
If you watched this entire game like I did, I’m so, so sorry. We seen some things. The Vikings ran for 2.1 yards per carry, which is 0.1 better than the Giants. Josh Freeman went 20/53. Minnesota fumbled twice and threw a pick. Peyton Hillis had eight more touches than Adrian Peterson (and 25 more total yards). What a pooptastic MNF game.
I bet Jared Allen did all of this while whispering a “69” joke in the lineman’s ear.
Mad Tom Coughlin
Happy Tom Coughlin?
What’s your first reaction when you’re a cornerback and the ball is coming towards you? If you said “duck” you may be Chris Cook. He learned how to provide awful defense at UVA, by the way.
I still have no idea why Sharrif Floyd was returning a kickoff.
I do have an idea why Marcus Sherels was returning punts, though.
GIFS from
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erikmalinowski/the-best-gifs-of-nfl-week-7-megatron-flies-high
http://deadspin.com/the-holy-grail-a-kicker-demolishing-a-returner-1448863469
http://deadspin.com/what-do-you-mean-were-only-up-24-1448809320
http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/hes-not-s-a-f-e-1448731246/@barryap
http://deadspin.com/ben-hartsock-does-his-best-mlb-ump-impression-as-chris-1448731165
http://deadspin.com/obscure-new-rule-gives-jets-an-overtime-win-over-the-pa-1448764648
http://deadspin.com/calvin-johnson-is-unguardable-1448751725
http://www.businessinsider.com/the-19-best-gifs-from-nfl-week-7-2013-10
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/jared-allen-sack-against-giants-ridiculous-show-strength-022130612--nfl.html
http://fansided.com/2013/10/21/vikings-marcus-sherels-returns-punt-86-yards-touchdown-gif/
http://gamedayr.com/sports/gif-sharrif-floyd-kickoff-fumble/
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