Week 6 Recap
Week 6 is in the books. Shit.
Week 1's Recap can be found . Week 2's is . Week 3's is . Week 4's is . Week 5’s is .
Your standings:
Juicy J 124, Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 98
No offense to John, but WHAT THE FUCK?!? It’s never fun to lose to an 0-5 team, especially when you’re 4-1. Hats off to Juicy J, who tied for the most points scored this week. He got an amazing week out of Vernon Davis (38) and solid 10-16 point performances by everyone else on his team minus Anquan Boldin (5) and Austin Pettis (2). Had John started Mike Tolbert (18) or DeAngelo Williams (16), his week would have looked even better. I had a studly game out of Cam Newton (30) and was just okay otherwise, with a bunch of 10-12 point performances but just 8 out of Dez Bryant and a big fat 0 out of Jimmy Graham. Had I started Stevan Ridley (23), I would have still lost and probably just gotten more pissed off, as it would have been a closer one. Week 7 will be tough for me, as I face Team Sexton with my starting RB2 (Sproles) and TE (Graham) on bye. Juicy J will have a shot at leapfrogging Bean this week, and has his full complement of players to work with.
Miley’s VMA Foam Finger 124, Don’t Suh Me Bro 102
Aziz is now 6-0, but for once, his victory can’t be attributed to the Peyton Manning-Wes Welker connection (although they still scored a combined 31 points this week). AJ Green (22), Jordy Nelson (21) and the Chiefs’ DST (25) had great weeks for Miley’s foam dildo. Things would have gotten ugly had he started Kyle Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (24) over Coby Fleener (4) as well. The Pork and Beans got a fantastic game out of Justin Blackmon (33) and a load of poopy flavored lollipops out of everyone else, as his next highest scorer was Tom Brady with 13 points. Denarius Moore (19) could have helped over Danny Amendola (2) or Bilal Powell (8) but still wouldn’t have been enough for victory. As mentioned above, Ben faces Juicy J in the battle for 8th place, while Aziz has a toughie with 4-2 Tate lined up this week.
Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend 123, Team Sexton 111
The matchup of the week saw Peter take down Kyle in what must have been a heartbreaker for the Sexmen. Andrew Luck, Trent Richardson and Antonio Gates combined for just 22 total points in the MNF game, spoiling Kyle’s shot at going 5-1. It’s about time Peter got some luck, as his team has 21 points more than any other one this season but also the third most points allowed. Jamaal Charles (29) and Vincent Jackson (32) led the way for Peter while Kyle had three top performers in Reggie Bush (23), Brandon Marshall (29) and DeSean Jackson (24) as well as Knowshon Moreno (35) on the bench. Peter faces 7th place Shmitty Werbenmanjensen next week with just Terrelle Pryor on bye while Kyle faces me with just the injured Randall Cobb and the inebriated Sebastian Janikowski missing this week (unless Gronk skips out on another week, and in that case he’d fall into both categories. Literally, he’d fall.).
Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 106, Titsburgh Feelers 89
The battle of 2 of the 3 Tech bros saw Matt’s balanced attack (three players in the 10-13 range and 3 in the 16-23 range) knock off Brett’s stars and scrubs, with Lynch (30), Andre Johnson (15), Martellus Bennett (12) and Cowboys DST (14) making up 80% of their point total and the other five players making up the rest. Had Brett started Montee Ball (1) over the injured David Wilson and Jay Cutler (20) over Alex Smith (7), he still would have lost, and probably gotten mad and thrown something since it would have been a lot closer. Brett’s glassware thanks you. Matt’s boys face off against the red-hot Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend (or is she just regular hot?) without three key players: Drew Brees, Darren McFadden and Marques Colston. Brett gets to face his other Tech buddy Tyler next week, getting Matt Ryan back from his bye but still missing Julio Jones (out for the year) and David Wilson (likely out 3-4 weeks). I’ll take this moment to remind people – we are keeping 3 players each, so if one of your studs gets hurt like Julio did, keep that in mind before cutting him.
SCLSU Mud Dogs 101, Team Kelly 90
Tyler was hoping for a big game out of Reggie Wayne on MNF, as a 25 pointer would have knocked Tate off. It wasn’t in the cards, however, and Tate came out on top by 11. Three of Tate’s biggest contributors, DeMarco Murray, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald are battling injuries, with a greater-than-zero chance that one or more of them misses next week. Fitz (21) and Shady McCoy (16) were the best for Tate this week, who saw two guys expected to put up big numbers in Tony Romo (8) and Calvin Johnson (5) have relatively poor weeks. Tyler’s highest scoring player was Russell Wilson (16), and while he had a handful of solid performances by MJD (15), Victor Cruz (10) and Wayne (13), it wasn’t enough to balance out 7 by Ray Rice and 2 by Brent Celek. Tyler will get Tony Gonzalez back this week and could really improve if Steven Jackson came back healthy soon; he faces off against his boy Brett this week. Tate matches up against Aziz in what should be a very interesting battle for one of the top spots in the league.
HERE ARE YOUR NFL GIFCAPS!
Bears 27, Giants 21
The Giants are bad this year, but looked almost like a competent football team in this game. Eli only threw three interceptions in this one, and just one was returned for a touchdown! Jay Cutler looked solid for the Bears, completing two thirds of his passes for 262 yards and 2 TD (both to Brandon Marshall). Devin Hester broke the Bears’ team record for most kick return yards in a career.
You want Manningface? I CAN’T DENY THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!!
Lions 31, Browns 17
Undrafted rookie dancing sensation Joseph Fauria caught 3 of Matt Stafford’s 4 TD passes as the Lions came back from a 17-7 halftime deficit to end the Browns’ Trent Richardson-less win streak at 3. I’m not sure what was less likely to happen this year: a) Joseph Fauria having 3 TD’s in a game, b) Joseph Fauria having more TD’s through week 6 than Calvin Johnson, or c) the Browns had a 3 game winning streak after trading away Trent Richardson. I’ll go with d) all of the above.
Who cares about this game. There were wiener dog races!!
Weeden gonna Weeden
Our favorite rookie Joseph Fauria busted some moves
Bengals 27, Bills 24
I managed to make it through the entire GIF-cap and almost hit submit before I realized that I forgot about the Bengals-Bills game. Would anyone have missed it? Thaddeus Lewis took the Bengals to OT. Woof.
Giovani Bernard is good, the Bills’ tackling is bad, or d) all of the above?
Chiefs 24, Raiders 7
Kansas City looked more human than they had for their first five games, but scored 24 unanswered points to end the game and keep their record unblemished at 6-0. Their fans also surpassed the Shehawks’ Guinness World Record for loudest stadium, reaching 137.5 decibels to Sheattle’s 136.6. Terrelle Pryor was sacked 10 times, so the Raiders’ offensive line shouldn’t expect any Rolexes or dinners in the near future.
HOW DID THE CHIEFS FORCE A THIRD AND 48?!? Oh, Raiders being Raiders. But hey, that’s the team the Redskins beat, HTTR!
Panthers 35, Vikings 10
I kinda wanted the Vikings to win this one for Adrian Peterson, whose 2 year old passed away on Friday after being horribly abused, but the Panthers respectfully disagreed. Cam Newton was just about perfect this week (after being the exact opposite last week), completing 77% of his passes for 242 yards and 3 TD’s; he added a rushing touchdown as well. Peterson had a decent week by starting RB standards, but well below his normal standards, with 10 carries for 62 yards and 3 catches for 21 yards. It certainly didn’t help that the Vikings were playing catch-up for essentially the entire game and Matt Cassel threw the ball 44 times.
Mike Tolbert reminds us that he has at least $5.5 million more than any of us, and therefore can tap dat ass.
Cam “Fig” Newton to Brandon “I didn’t” LaFell for 79 yards
STEVE SMITH WITH THE KILLER BLOCK
Steelers 19, Jets 6
There are a lot of things that make me sad in life. The Steelers starting 0-4 was not one of those things. They finally got the monkey off of their back this week with a boring win over the Jets, who were surprisingly 3-2 going into this week. Even in victory, the Steelers looked mediocre, with just 328 total yards and relying on four Shaun Suisham field goals and a long TD pass to Emmanuel Sanders to win. The Steelers’ D looked like the old school Steel Curtain, however, holding Geno Smith to 201 yards passing with 2 picks and no TD’s and allowing just 267 total offensive yards by the Jets.
This was pretty cool, Emmanuel Sanders, but it would be better if you landed on your feet and not your back.
Eagles 31, Buccaneers 20
I really thought the Bucs might win this game, forgetting briefly that they are the Bucs. They played a fairly solid game, but were undone by some combination of penalties, MRSA and an opposing QB that looks like Napoleon Dynamite. Nick Foles completed 71% of his passes for 296 yards and 3 TD’s, and added a rushing TD as well. Foles’ longest TD pass was a 47 yarder to Riley Cooper, which somehow must be raycess.
OMG LeSean McCoy now has MRSA all over his sexy body
Packers 19, Ravens 17
I’m not sure what was less likely: Joe Flacco out-passing Aaron Rodgers or Eddie Lacy out-rushing Ray Rice. Both of these things happened in a field goal-filled game, and my boy Jarrett Boykin caught a 43 yarder as well after the entire rest of the Packers team was lost to injury (okay, just Randall Cobb and James Jones). The Ravens were awful on third down (2/14 for the game) and could never get the ball moving on the ground (22 carries for 47 yards).
More white people throwing to white people
The Ravens got a first down after having their punt blocked. KUUUUUUUUUHN!
Rams 38, Texans 13
Good Lord are the Texans bad. They lost by 25 to the Rams. The amazing thing is that the Texans had 12 more first downs and almost twice as many total yards as the Rams. Going 1 for 6 in the red zone and turning over the ball four times (twice for defensive TD’s) will do that for you I guess. Dipshit Texans fans cheered when TJ Yates came in to replace an injured Matt Schaub, and deserved the red zone interceptions that he threw on his first two drives (the former being returned 98 yards for a TD). The Texans are (rightfully) pissed at their fans for being derpheads. This will end well, as long as you’re not a Texans fan or a friend or relative of Gary Kubiak or Matt Schaub.
Texans fans after Matt Schaub got hurt
You did this to yourself with the karma, Texans fans
Broncos 35, Jaguars 19
The Broncos didn’t cover their outrageously stupid line. Jacksonville looked more competent than they had in any other game this year, probably because they were pissed off about being the biggest underdogs in the history of the universe (no hyperbole of course). Peyton Manning completed just two-thirds of his passes for 295 yards, 2 TD’s and 1 INT, which looks like a 2013 Eli Manning performance when you compare it to any of big brother’s other games from this year. Knowshon Moreno found a way to be terrible (15 carries for 42 yards) and still get 3 TD’s. Justin Blackmon had a ridiculous day (14 catches for 190 yards on 20 targets!!!), partly because Cecil Shorts (THE THIRD) left in the first quarter with an injury.
Hey, look, the Jaguars actually got within 2 points of the Broncos!
Shehawks 20, Titans 13
This game was closer than it should have been, as Sheattle had 11 more first downs, 181 more total yards and 6 and a half more minutes of possession than Tennessee, while having the same amount of turnovers. Tennessee never put together much offensively, with two field goals to their name to go with a 77 yard fumble recovery resulting from a botched hold by Chris Maragos. Maragos, a safety, was serving as the holder because normal holder Jon Ryan was kicking because normal kicker Steven Hauschka got blown the F up on a kick return. It’s funny because last week Ryan was the one who got blown the F up.
I still can’t believe this Titans player’s generosity. RUSSELL WILSON ALREADY HAS MANY DOLLHAIRS IN THE BANK, HE DOESN’T NEED THIS KIND OF CHARITY!
Marshawn Lynch would beat you at football and hopscotch
Great form, Hauschka!
Great hold, Maragos!
That return TD deserves a Terio
Patriots 30, Saints 27
As if Boston needed any more ridiculous sports favoring from the gods. After throwing a pick on his first attempt following a Saints FG late in the fourth, Tom Brady got the ball back on his own 30 and proceeded to throw a 17 yard TD pass to Kenbrell Thompkins with 5 seconds left. On the final drive, Brady passed Vinny Testaverde for 8th in NFL history in passing yards and Fran Tarkenton for 4th in passing TD’s. Bill “look ma, no sleeves” Belichick passed Chuck Noll for 5th in NFL history with his 210th career win as well. And Big Papi hit a game-tying grand slam with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, forcing extra innings where the Red Sux won. WHY DOES GOD LOVE BILL SIMMONS SO MUCH I DON’T UNDERSTANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. AND JIMMY GRAHAM WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU I NEEDED YOU SO BADLY.
Torii Hunter did not enjoy Sunday:
RIP Wayne Chrebet Danny Amendola
No high fives for Tom Brady
This was a beautiful play to win the game.
Tom Brady had a little longer to pass on his game-winning TD due to great blocking
Not gonna lie, sad Rob Ryan doesn’t exactly make me sad.
49ers 32, Cardinals 20
As someone who faced Vernon Davis in four leagues this week, fuck all of you. He caught 8 passes for 180 yards and 2 TD’s. I hate everything. The Cardinals turned the ball over 4 times (2 picks, 2 fumbles) and Carson Palmer was sacked in the end zone for a safety. Somehow they are still 3-3.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Cowgirls 31, Redskins 16
Barf. At least RGIII looked comfortable running the ball (9 carries for 77 yards).
Fucking Dwayne Harris
Fucking guy (KEITH BURNS) that replaced hated special teams coordinator Danny Smith and found a way to be a more hated special teams coordinator than Danny Smith.
BREAKING: RGIII HATES FOOTBALL(S)
Chargers 19, Colts 9
What better way to cap off a week of boring games in all of the time slots but 4 PM Sunday with another snoozer? Philip Rivers did what he needed to, throwing for 237 and a TD, including 9/107 and a TD to rookie sensation Keenan Allen. Trent Richardson continues to look like garbage (61 carries for 191 yards and 2 TD to go with 2 catches for 19 yards in his four games since being acquired by the Colts). I mean seriously, he got outplayed by Ryan Mathews (22 carries for 102 yards), who is so injury prone he has been declared legally dead multiple times in his short career.
EXTREME RIVERS
Somebody left this in the comments on Deadspin and I want this to be turned into a fathead please kthx.
http://deadspin.com/so-many-manningfaces-your-giants-bears-roundup-1443704892
http://deadspin.com/wiener-dogs-automatically-win-every-game-week-6-early-1444558906
http://deadspin.com/the-wolfman-defeated-your-week-6-late-games-roundup-1444614631
http://deadspin.com/the-rare-instance-of-a-happy-tony-romo-your-sunday-nig-1444669427
http://deadspin.com/philip-rivers-is-an-intense-weirdo-1445419648
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1809914-best-gifs-from-sunday-nfl-week-6
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erikmalinowski/the-best-gifs-of-nfl-week-6-football-hulk-smash
http://msn.foxsports.com/lacesout/nfl-week-6-awards-best-and-worst-from-sundays-action/
http://deadspin.com/torii-hunter-is-not-happy-with-bostons-bullpen-cop-1445137909
http://www.businessinsider.com/the-15-best-gifs-from-nfl-week-6-2013-10?op=1
I still need the $20 from Tyler and Matt. I've heard rumors that Brett is smuggling this money via his rectum up to Nova this week. If that's not the case, please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me. If you don't pay, I will bang Ben's mom. Again.
Week 1's Recap can be found . Week 2's is . Week 3's is . Week 4's is . Week 5’s is .
Your standings:
Juicy J 124, Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 98
No offense to John, but WHAT THE FUCK?!? It’s never fun to lose to an 0-5 team, especially when you’re 4-1. Hats off to Juicy J, who tied for the most points scored this week. He got an amazing week out of Vernon Davis (38) and solid 10-16 point performances by everyone else on his team minus Anquan Boldin (5) and Austin Pettis (2). Had John started Mike Tolbert (18) or DeAngelo Williams (16), his week would have looked even better. I had a studly game out of Cam Newton (30) and was just okay otherwise, with a bunch of 10-12 point performances but just 8 out of Dez Bryant and a big fat 0 out of Jimmy Graham. Had I started Stevan Ridley (23), I would have still lost and probably just gotten more pissed off, as it would have been a closer one. Week 7 will be tough for me, as I face Team Sexton with my starting RB2 (Sproles) and TE (Graham) on bye. Juicy J will have a shot at leapfrogging Bean this week, and has his full complement of players to work with.
Miley’s VMA Foam Finger 124, Don’t Suh Me Bro 102
Aziz is now 6-0, but for once, his victory can’t be attributed to the Peyton Manning-Wes Welker connection (although they still scored a combined 31 points this week). AJ Green (22), Jordy Nelson (21) and the Chiefs’ DST (25) had great weeks for Miley’s foam dildo. Things would have gotten ugly had he started Kyle Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (24) over Coby Fleener (4) as well. The Pork and Beans got a fantastic game out of Justin Blackmon (33) and a load of poopy flavored lollipops out of everyone else, as his next highest scorer was Tom Brady with 13 points. Denarius Moore (19) could have helped over Danny Amendola (2) or Bilal Powell (8) but still wouldn’t have been enough for victory. As mentioned above, Ben faces Juicy J in the battle for 8th place, while Aziz has a toughie with 4-2 Tate lined up this week.
Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend 123, Team Sexton 111
The matchup of the week saw Peter take down Kyle in what must have been a heartbreaker for the Sexmen. Andrew Luck, Trent Richardson and Antonio Gates combined for just 22 total points in the MNF game, spoiling Kyle’s shot at going 5-1. It’s about time Peter got some luck, as his team has 21 points more than any other one this season but also the third most points allowed. Jamaal Charles (29) and Vincent Jackson (32) led the way for Peter while Kyle had three top performers in Reggie Bush (23), Brandon Marshall (29) and DeSean Jackson (24) as well as Knowshon Moreno (35) on the bench. Peter faces 7th place Shmitty Werbenmanjensen next week with just Terrelle Pryor on bye while Kyle faces me with just the injured Randall Cobb and the inebriated Sebastian Janikowski missing this week (unless Gronk skips out on another week, and in that case he’d fall into both categories. Literally, he’d fall.).
Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 106, Titsburgh Feelers 89
The battle of 2 of the 3 Tech bros saw Matt’s balanced attack (three players in the 10-13 range and 3 in the 16-23 range) knock off Brett’s stars and scrubs, with Lynch (30), Andre Johnson (15), Martellus Bennett (12) and Cowboys DST (14) making up 80% of their point total and the other five players making up the rest. Had Brett started Montee Ball (1) over the injured David Wilson and Jay Cutler (20) over Alex Smith (7), he still would have lost, and probably gotten mad and thrown something since it would have been a lot closer. Brett’s glassware thanks you. Matt’s boys face off against the red-hot Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend (or is she just regular hot?) without three key players: Drew Brees, Darren McFadden and Marques Colston. Brett gets to face his other Tech buddy Tyler next week, getting Matt Ryan back from his bye but still missing Julio Jones (out for the year) and David Wilson (likely out 3-4 weeks). I’ll take this moment to remind people – we are keeping 3 players each, so if one of your studs gets hurt like Julio did, keep that in mind before cutting him.
SCLSU Mud Dogs 101, Team Kelly 90
Tyler was hoping for a big game out of Reggie Wayne on MNF, as a 25 pointer would have knocked Tate off. It wasn’t in the cards, however, and Tate came out on top by 11. Three of Tate’s biggest contributors, DeMarco Murray, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald are battling injuries, with a greater-than-zero chance that one or more of them misses next week. Fitz (21) and Shady McCoy (16) were the best for Tate this week, who saw two guys expected to put up big numbers in Tony Romo (8) and Calvin Johnson (5) have relatively poor weeks. Tyler’s highest scoring player was Russell Wilson (16), and while he had a handful of solid performances by MJD (15), Victor Cruz (10) and Wayne (13), it wasn’t enough to balance out 7 by Ray Rice and 2 by Brent Celek. Tyler will get Tony Gonzalez back this week and could really improve if Steven Jackson came back healthy soon; he faces off against his boy Brett this week. Tate matches up against Aziz in what should be a very interesting battle for one of the top spots in the league.
HERE ARE YOUR NFL GIFCAPS!
Bears 27, Giants 21
The Giants are bad this year, but looked almost like a competent football team in this game. Eli only threw three interceptions in this one, and just one was returned for a touchdown! Jay Cutler looked solid for the Bears, completing two thirds of his passes for 262 yards and 2 TD (both to Brandon Marshall). Devin Hester broke the Bears’ team record for most kick return yards in a career.
You want Manningface? I CAN’T DENY THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!!
Lions 31, Browns 17
Undrafted rookie dancing sensation Joseph Fauria caught 3 of Matt Stafford’s 4 TD passes as the Lions came back from a 17-7 halftime deficit to end the Browns’ Trent Richardson-less win streak at 3. I’m not sure what was less likely to happen this year: a) Joseph Fauria having 3 TD’s in a game, b) Joseph Fauria having more TD’s through week 6 than Calvin Johnson, or c) the Browns had a 3 game winning streak after trading away Trent Richardson. I’ll go with d) all of the above.
Who cares about this game. There were wiener dog races!!
Weeden gonna Weeden
Our favorite rookie Joseph Fauria busted some moves
Bengals 27, Bills 24
I managed to make it through the entire GIF-cap and almost hit submit before I realized that I forgot about the Bengals-Bills game. Would anyone have missed it? Thaddeus Lewis took the Bengals to OT. Woof.
Giovani Bernard is good, the Bills’ tackling is bad, or d) all of the above?
Chiefs 24, Raiders 7
Kansas City looked more human than they had for their first five games, but scored 24 unanswered points to end the game and keep their record unblemished at 6-0. Their fans also surpassed the Shehawks’ Guinness World Record for loudest stadium, reaching 137.5 decibels to Sheattle’s 136.6. Terrelle Pryor was sacked 10 times, so the Raiders’ offensive line shouldn’t expect any Rolexes or dinners in the near future.
HOW DID THE CHIEFS FORCE A THIRD AND 48?!? Oh, Raiders being Raiders. But hey, that’s the team the Redskins beat, HTTR!
Panthers 35, Vikings 10
I kinda wanted the Vikings to win this one for Adrian Peterson, whose 2 year old passed away on Friday after being horribly abused, but the Panthers respectfully disagreed. Cam Newton was just about perfect this week (after being the exact opposite last week), completing 77% of his passes for 242 yards and 3 TD’s; he added a rushing touchdown as well. Peterson had a decent week by starting RB standards, but well below his normal standards, with 10 carries for 62 yards and 3 catches for 21 yards. It certainly didn’t help that the Vikings were playing catch-up for essentially the entire game and Matt Cassel threw the ball 44 times.
Mike Tolbert reminds us that he has at least $5.5 million more than any of us, and therefore can tap dat ass.
Cam “Fig” Newton to Brandon “I didn’t” LaFell for 79 yards
STEVE SMITH WITH THE KILLER BLOCK
Steelers 19, Jets 6
There are a lot of things that make me sad in life. The Steelers starting 0-4 was not one of those things. They finally got the monkey off of their back this week with a boring win over the Jets, who were surprisingly 3-2 going into this week. Even in victory, the Steelers looked mediocre, with just 328 total yards and relying on four Shaun Suisham field goals and a long TD pass to Emmanuel Sanders to win. The Steelers’ D looked like the old school Steel Curtain, however, holding Geno Smith to 201 yards passing with 2 picks and no TD’s and allowing just 267 total offensive yards by the Jets.
This was pretty cool, Emmanuel Sanders, but it would be better if you landed on your feet and not your back.
Eagles 31, Buccaneers 20
I really thought the Bucs might win this game, forgetting briefly that they are the Bucs. They played a fairly solid game, but were undone by some combination of penalties, MRSA and an opposing QB that looks like Napoleon Dynamite. Nick Foles completed 71% of his passes for 296 yards and 3 TD’s, and added a rushing TD as well. Foles’ longest TD pass was a 47 yarder to Riley Cooper, which somehow must be raycess.
OMG LeSean McCoy now has MRSA all over his sexy body
Packers 19, Ravens 17
I’m not sure what was less likely: Joe Flacco out-passing Aaron Rodgers or Eddie Lacy out-rushing Ray Rice. Both of these things happened in a field goal-filled game, and my boy Jarrett Boykin caught a 43 yarder as well after the entire rest of the Packers team was lost to injury (okay, just Randall Cobb and James Jones). The Ravens were awful on third down (2/14 for the game) and could never get the ball moving on the ground (22 carries for 47 yards).
More white people throwing to white people
The Ravens got a first down after having their punt blocked. KUUUUUUUUUHN!
Rams 38, Texans 13
Good Lord are the Texans bad. They lost by 25 to the Rams. The amazing thing is that the Texans had 12 more first downs and almost twice as many total yards as the Rams. Going 1 for 6 in the red zone and turning over the ball four times (twice for defensive TD’s) will do that for you I guess. Dipshit Texans fans cheered when TJ Yates came in to replace an injured Matt Schaub, and deserved the red zone interceptions that he threw on his first two drives (the former being returned 98 yards for a TD). The Texans are (rightfully) pissed at their fans for being derpheads. This will end well, as long as you’re not a Texans fan or a friend or relative of Gary Kubiak or Matt Schaub.
Texans fans after Matt Schaub got hurt
You did this to yourself with the karma, Texans fans
Broncos 35, Jaguars 19
The Broncos didn’t cover their outrageously stupid line. Jacksonville looked more competent than they had in any other game this year, probably because they were pissed off about being the biggest underdogs in the history of the universe (no hyperbole of course). Peyton Manning completed just two-thirds of his passes for 295 yards, 2 TD’s and 1 INT, which looks like a 2013 Eli Manning performance when you compare it to any of big brother’s other games from this year. Knowshon Moreno found a way to be terrible (15 carries for 42 yards) and still get 3 TD’s. Justin Blackmon had a ridiculous day (14 catches for 190 yards on 20 targets!!!), partly because Cecil Shorts (THE THIRD) left in the first quarter with an injury.
Hey, look, the Jaguars actually got within 2 points of the Broncos!
Shehawks 20, Titans 13
This game was closer than it should have been, as Sheattle had 11 more first downs, 181 more total yards and 6 and a half more minutes of possession than Tennessee, while having the same amount of turnovers. Tennessee never put together much offensively, with two field goals to their name to go with a 77 yard fumble recovery resulting from a botched hold by Chris Maragos. Maragos, a safety, was serving as the holder because normal holder Jon Ryan was kicking because normal kicker Steven Hauschka got blown the F up on a kick return. It’s funny because last week Ryan was the one who got blown the F up.
I still can’t believe this Titans player’s generosity. RUSSELL WILSON ALREADY HAS MANY DOLLHAIRS IN THE BANK, HE DOESN’T NEED THIS KIND OF CHARITY!
Marshawn Lynch would beat you at football and hopscotch
Great form, Hauschka!
Great hold, Maragos!
That return TD deserves a Terio
Patriots 30, Saints 27
As if Boston needed any more ridiculous sports favoring from the gods. After throwing a pick on his first attempt following a Saints FG late in the fourth, Tom Brady got the ball back on his own 30 and proceeded to throw a 17 yard TD pass to Kenbrell Thompkins with 5 seconds left. On the final drive, Brady passed Vinny Testaverde for 8th in NFL history in passing yards and Fran Tarkenton for 4th in passing TD’s. Bill “look ma, no sleeves” Belichick passed Chuck Noll for 5th in NFL history with his 210th career win as well. And Big Papi hit a game-tying grand slam with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, forcing extra innings where the Red Sux won. WHY DOES GOD LOVE BILL SIMMONS SO MUCH I DON’T UNDERSTANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. AND JIMMY GRAHAM WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU I NEEDED YOU SO BADLY.
Torii Hunter did not enjoy Sunday:
RIP Wayne Chrebet Danny Amendola
No high fives for Tom Brady
This was a beautiful play to win the game.
Tom Brady had a little longer to pass on his game-winning TD due to great blocking
Not gonna lie, sad Rob Ryan doesn’t exactly make me sad.
49ers 32, Cardinals 20
As someone who faced Vernon Davis in four leagues this week, fuck all of you. He caught 8 passes for 180 yards and 2 TD’s. I hate everything. The Cardinals turned the ball over 4 times (2 picks, 2 fumbles) and Carson Palmer was sacked in the end zone for a safety. Somehow they are still 3-3.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Cowgirls 31, Redskins 16
Barf. At least RGIII looked comfortable running the ball (9 carries for 77 yards).
Fucking Dwayne Harris
Fucking guy (KEITH BURNS) that replaced hated special teams coordinator Danny Smith and found a way to be a more hated special teams coordinator than Danny Smith.
BREAKING: RGIII HATES FOOTBALL(S)
Chargers 19, Colts 9
What better way to cap off a week of boring games in all of the time slots but 4 PM Sunday with another snoozer? Philip Rivers did what he needed to, throwing for 237 and a TD, including 9/107 and a TD to rookie sensation Keenan Allen. Trent Richardson continues to look like garbage (61 carries for 191 yards and 2 TD to go with 2 catches for 19 yards in his four games since being acquired by the Colts). I mean seriously, he got outplayed by Ryan Mathews (22 carries for 102 yards), who is so injury prone he has been declared legally dead multiple times in his short career.
EXTREME RIVERS
Somebody left this in the comments on Deadspin and I want this to be turned into a fathead please kthx.
http://deadspin.com/so-many-manningfaces-your-giants-bears-roundup-1443704892
http://deadspin.com/wiener-dogs-automatically-win-every-game-week-6-early-1444558906
http://deadspin.com/the-wolfman-defeated-your-week-6-late-games-roundup-1444614631
http://deadspin.com/the-rare-instance-of-a-happy-tony-romo-your-sunday-nig-1444669427
http://deadspin.com/philip-rivers-is-an-intense-weirdo-1445419648
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1809914-best-gifs-from-sunday-nfl-week-6
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erikmalinowski/the-best-gifs-of-nfl-week-6-football-hulk-smash
http://msn.foxsports.com/lacesout/nfl-week-6-awards-best-and-worst-from-sundays-action/
http://deadspin.com/torii-hunter-is-not-happy-with-bostons-bullpen-cop-1445137909
http://www.businessinsider.com/the-15-best-gifs-from-nfl-week-6-2013-10?op=1
I still need the $20 from Tyler and Matt. I've heard rumors that Brett is smuggling this money via his rectum up to Nova this week. If that's not the case, please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me. If you don't pay, I will bang Ben's mom. Again.
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