Week 3 Recap

I apologize for this going up so late, but I was on vacation for the last week, so suck it. If you get mad about me trolling your NFL team, don't, because mine is 0-3.

Week 3 is in the books. Here are your Fantasy and NFL recaps. Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's ishere.




SCLSU Mud Dogs 133, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 125
Two of the top three scorers from this week matched up with Tater's Tots edging out Matt's Bostaph by 8. Tate had 4 guys score 20+ points (Romo - 20, McCoy - 21, Murray - 28 and Megatron - 24) to set the pace. Matt got 30+ out of Brees and Cameron and would have scored 158 if they had started Antonio Brown and his 40 points rather than Steve Smith's 7. The Fighting Bostaph are tied for the cellar at 0-3, while the SCLSU Mud Dogs are 2-1 and tied for 3rd place with the best team on the planet.

Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 133, Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 110
Speaking of the best team on the planet, my squad earned this week's Curb Stomper award with the 23 point win in the battle of 2/3 of the roommates. Jimmy Graham (34), Matt Stafford (21) and Joique Bell (22) led the way for my boys, who outlasted a combined 50 points out of Jamaal Charles/Matt Forte and 19 more from Demaryius Thomas on MNF. A 2 game win streak puts me tied for 3rd, and a 2 game losing streak puts Peter tied for 7th despite being 3rd in the league in points. Peter has now lost to the 1st or 2nd scorer in the league in back-to-back weeks, which sucks for him. At least Patricia has a sexy mullet wig!




Miley's VMA Foam Finger 107, Juicy J 97
A late showing by the Bears' D (25) made this game look closer than it was, but simply starting Erick Decker (27) over Anquan Boldin (11) or Doug Baldwin (10) would have given Juicy J the victory. The Peyton Manning-Wes Welker connection for Aziz combined for 55 points and 14+ point outings out of AJ Green, Jordy Nelson and Matt Prater sealed the deal for their third win.

Team Edwards 88, Titsburgh Feelers 80
Team Edwards, reeling from a tie last week, won this matchup thanks to double digit points out of all but 3 of their starters. Adrian Peterson led the way with 20, but Brady, CJ2K, Witten, Jacquizz and Seattle's D all scored between 10-15. Brett had poor weeks from Marshawn Lynch and David Wilson (9 poitns combined) after seeing Ahmad Bradshaw, one of his starting RB's, stunningly lose his job because of the Trent Richardson trade. Semi-hilariously, leaving Bradshaw in the lineup over Smiles Austin would have given Brett the win.

Team Sexton 85, Team Kelly 71
This was not a great matchup, as 7 of the 8 other teams scored more than the Sexmen's 85. Each team's QB was mildly disappointing (Luck - 14 and Vick - 15). Tyler is snakebitten by injuries, with Ray Rice and Steven Jackson both missing the game and MJD being banged up; despite all of that, his bench scored more than his starters, with just 5 people playing (MJD, Russell Wilson, Greg Jennings, Sidney Rice and Golden Tate). Sexton benched two guys who would have lead his team in scoring by 16 and 6, respectively, in Josh Gordon and Cecil Shorts.

And without further ado, your NFL GIFcaps!

Chiefs 26, Eagles 16
Andy Reid's return to Philly was everything I hoped and dreamed it could be. There were cheers. There were boos. And the Eagles lost. Donnie Avery had himself a day, catching 7 passes for 141 yards. Jamaal Charles added on 172 combined rushing and receiving yards and a TD.

Outside of a 61 yard run, Michael Vick struggled mightily, completing just 13 of his 30 pass attempts for 201 yards, 1 TD and 2 picks.

This one was returned for a TD by Eric Berry:



LeSean McCoy rushed for 158 yards on 20 carries, including coming back from a scary-looking injury to scamper for a 41 yard TD in the 4th to bring it within a TD.

Also, wet Andy Reid. Yummm



Lions 27, Redskins 20
The Skins are now 0-3, which makes me sad. They had their chance to take the lead in the 4th when Aldrick Robinson had his trademark huge drop (although he almost hid it well enough to get a TD). Matt Stafford threw for 385 yards (what, you expected the Redskins' secondary to stop someone?) after shaking off a DeAngelo Hall pick 6.

The Redskins' D is quite good at tackling:



Joseph Fauria is quickly becoming my favorite TD dancer:



ERMAGERD HOW DO I FOOTBALL



Schwartz gonna Schwartz



Bengals 34, Packers 30
The Bengals started the game on a 14-0 run. Then the Packers went on a 30-0 run. Then the Bengals ended on a 20-0 run. Weird. The Bengals went all-out to stop the pass, making Aaron Rodgers look pretty Aaverage (see what I did there?), completing 60% of his passes for 244 yards, 1 TD and 2 picks. The Packers did run the ball well, however, with Johnathan Franklin eclipsing 100 yards with a TD and a total of 30 carries for 182 yards. Andy Dalton managed the game well, going 20/28 for 235 yards, 2 TD and 1 pick and the Bengals split carries between their 2 lead backs, with Giovani Bernard gaining 50 yards and Benjarvus Green-Ellis just 29 on 10 rushes each. Each team turned the ball over 4 times and scored a TD on a fumble return in what was probably the week's most exciting game.

Gio can fly:



Vontaze Burfict sack taps Jordy Nelson, is a little bitch:



Awesome game-winning fumble recovery for a TD on 4th and 1:



Cowboys 31, Rams 7
This was a fun one (not). The Cowgirls scored a TD every quarter, and the Rams never got it going enough to keep up. Tony Romo (17/24, 210 yards and 3 TD) and DeMarco Murray (26 carries for 175 yards and a TD) stood out for Dallass as well as their defense (held St. Louis to 35 yards rushing on 12 carries).

The one highlight from this game for the Rams:



Okay, and maybe this:



Seriously? A 24 point win and the only 2 gifs I could find for this game were anti-Dallass? I'm so disappointed.

Titans 20, Chargers 17
In the "holy shit, one of these garbage teams is about to go 2-1" bowl, the Titans eeked out a victory after a CLUTCH JAKE LOCKER TOUCHDOWN PASS. IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?



Here's the game winnning TD pass and catch:



Philip Rivers had a very efficient day, going 20/24 but for just 184 yards. Eddie Royal did not catch 1000 TD's in this game after having a great first two weeks. Jake Locker threw for 299 yards and a score and ran for 68 and a score, NBD.

This was the best worst last play I've seen in a while:



Seriously, Philip Rivers could be in the punt pass and kick competition:



Browns 31, Vikings 27
How bad are the Vikings? They just lost to a team that traded their best player and is actively trying to lose. They just lost to a QB who had been in the league for four years and only attempted 96 passes. They just lost to a QB that throws most of his passes like this:



The Browns completed 31/55 passes for 306 yards, 4 TD's and 3 picks (and I say the Browns and not just Hoyer because of this beautiful TD pass from punter Spencer Lanning to Jordan Cameron):



Cameron caught 3 TD passes, but Lanning was the star of the day, becoming the first NFL player since 1968 with a punt, extra point and TD pass in a game.

Here's the game winning TD catch for Cameron:



Also, the Vikings got real life Randy Moss-ed by Travis Benjamin:



Patriots 23, Buccaneers 3
You know when people say "(team) took the lead and never looked back"? The Bucs took an early 3-0 lead, looked back and sharted all over themselves. The Patriots didn't exactly look dominant, but did what they needed to in order to win. Legarrette Blount had more carries than Stevan Ridley and did more with them, going 14/65 to Ridley's 11/35. Kembrell Thompkins only had 3 catches for 41 yards, but 2 of those catches were TD's. The Bucs also benched Josh Freeman for Mike Glennon, and thus have no hope for the rest of the season.

Tom Brady has a potty mouth:



But loves Kembrell Thompkins:



This defender essentially sums up the Bucs' season to date:



Saints 31, Cardinals 7
I expected the Cardinals to be a bit more competitve this season with a new coach and a worthwhile QB, but they just look very meh out there. Drew Brees threw for 342 yards and 3 TD, including 2 to Jimmy Graham. After looking a bit meh themselves for the first two weeks, the Saints put on a nice show and are now 3-0 heading into a MNF matchup with the surprising 3-0 Dolphins.

The Honey Badger did give a fuck this week, with his first career INT (in Louisiana, no less):



Panthers 38, Giants 0
Every time I feel bad about my Skins this year, I can look to the Giants to make me feel better. Yeeesh. How are they so bad? Elisha went 12/23 for 119 and a pick, they only ran 16 times for 60 yards and possessed the ball for barely over 23 minutes. Everyone had a good day for the Panthers: Cam Newton threw for 223, 3 TD and 1 pick (and ran for 45 and a TD), Deangelo Williams ran for 120 and Brandon LaFell caught 2 TD passes.

Mike Tolbert dancing <<<<<



Elisha Manning <<<<<<<<<<<<



Ravens 30, Texans 9
This game had 5 field goals, 1 defensive TD, 1 return TD and 1 one yard rushing TD. The teams combined for exactly 500 yards (or basically what the Redskins' D is giving up every week). Bernard Pierce was good enough filling in for Ray Rice, with 24 carries for 65 yards and a TD. Tandon Doss got the punt return TD for Baltimore and Daryl Smith had the pick-6, both late in the 2nd quarter.

Here's dat Tandon Doss punt return TD:



Dolphins 27, Falcons 23
I'm not sure what to ask first: what is up with the Dolphins, or what is up with the Falcons? The Phins are 3-0 now with back-to-back 4 point wins over playoff teams from last year. I'm not sure that I'm buying into their offensive resurgence (leading their division in points scored with 74), but they don't look like the shit sippers I expected them to. The Falcons on the other hand are playing like the Failcons, losing to New Orleans and now Miami and just edging out the 1-2 Rams by 7 in week 2.

Jacquizz Rodgers and Jason Snelling played well this week, combining for 29 carries for 139 yards in Steven Jackson's absence. Matt Ryan had a decent day (23/38 for 231, 2 TD and 1 pick). The Falcons had the ball for over 37 minutes of game time and tied in the turnover battle. So what gives? I guess Miami just figured out how to capitalize; each team had 5 scoring drives. The Dolphins had 3 TD and 2 FG while the Falcons had 2 TD and 3 FG. Something something FOOTBALL.

Um, ow:



Another angle:



Game winning TD:



Jets 27, Bills 20
In this week's edition of "NFL Games I had no interest in paying attention to," the Jets moved to 2-1 thanks to Geno Smith's 331 passing yards and 2 TD (although with 2 INT's) and an additional rushing TD. Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill each went for 100+ yards and a score, outpacing the Bills' offensive turdfest. CJ Spiller carried 10 times for 9 yards and fumbled twice (although they got both back) and got hurt. EJ Manuel completed less than 50% of his passes. The Jets took 20 penalties and won. Bummed that I missed this one. NOT! THIS SUIT IS BLACK NOT!

Fred Jackson did have a 59 yard run, which is better when you watch it:



Great catch by Santonio Holmes:



A Jets recap would not be complete without LOLjets:



Colts 27, 49ers 7
Can't say I was expecting this one. The Colts offense did a whole lot of average stuff, with 336 total yards. Ahmad Bradshaw, Trent Richardson and Andrew Luck all had rushing TD's, though. The 49ers QB looked like Colin Krapernick again, completing less than 50% of his attempts for 150 yards and a pick and rushing 7 times for 20 yards and a fumble. I did not expect the 49ers or Falcons to be 1-2 through 3 weeks.

lol buttcam. BUBBLE BUTT! BUBBLBUBBLBUBBLBUTT!





Seahawks 45, Jaguars 17
I did not expect Jacksonville to score 17 points. The Zach Miller/Sidney Rice show saw each guy grab 2 TD's. This one was not nearly as close as the score - Seattle went up 31-0 early in the 3rd quarter before bringing in Tarvaris Jackson (who went 7/8 for 129 and a TD and added a rushing TD!!!). Cecil Shorts was Cecil Shorts, catching 8 passes for 143 yards and Derpnard Robinson went from Offensive Weapon to just lower case o offensive, carrying once for -2 yards and a lost fumble.

Cool pick, bro:



Garbage time TD throw from Jackson to Doug Baldwin, aka the kings of garbage time:



Jordan Todman (WHO?!?) shhhhh's the crowd after scoring to cut the Shehawks' lead to 21 in the 4th. Guess he wanted it to sound like a home game for the Jags:



Bears 40, Steelers 23
This game kinda followed the Packers-Bungholes game narrative, as the Bears went ahead early, allowed the Steelers to crawl back, then turned it on late and finished them off. Pittsburgh amazingly gained 201 more yards than the Bears (459 to 258), but most of that was a passing-heavy style late when they were losing. The Bears forced 5 turnovers, including a Major Wright pick-6 and a Julius Peppers 42 yard fumble return for a TD. The Steelers have looked better than I expected and worse than I expected at the same time this year and could rebound in the next few weeks, with MIN, NYJ and OAK on the schedule for 3 of their next 4 games. I hope they go 0-16 though because fuck the Steelers.

Antonio Brown came to play:



Jay Cutler blew up Robert Golden:



The Steelers' season in a nutshell:



The Steelers' season in another nutshell:



Broncos 37, Raiders 21
This game was closer than I expeted it to be, but really wasn't. The Broncos stormed out to a 17-0 lead and were up 30-7 late in the 3rd. Oakland got 2 scores in the last 16 minutes to make it look respetable. Terrelle Pryor and Darren McFadden threw TD's (lol, yes he did) but were outdone by Peyton Manning's 32/37 for 374 and 3 TD performance. Three Broncos (Eric Decker, Demaryius Thomas and Wes Welker) had 7+ catches for 84+ yards, which is cool.

Run DMC's sexy TD toss:



One of Peyton's TD passes:



He's sexy and he knows it:



I'd feel worse if he wasn't dressed like a juggalo:



No games were gif-less this week, so Schefter goes at the bottom:



Last but not least, if you haven't paid yet (Tyler and Matt), I still need the $20. Please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me. If you don't pay, I will pay a kangaroo to jump on your nutsack for 1000 hours. 

Week 2 Recap

Week 2 is in the books. Here are your Fantasy and NFL recaps. Week 1's Recap can be found here.




Team Sexton 162, Juicy J 94
Sweet baby Jesus, did Team Sexton have a week or what? Between his entire roster, only four players didn't score double digit points, and 2 of those were Gronk and Josh Gordon who were out this week. The Sexmen got huge perforamnces from their 4 receiving men: 34 from DeSean Jackson, 27 from Randall Cobb, 24 from Brandon Marshall and 18 from Antonio Gates. His RB situation may get a bit sticky if Reggie Bush has to miss time with Lamar Miller, Daryl Richardson and Knowshon Moreno as the backups, though. Poor Juicy J never had a chance after a stinker from Stevan Ridley on Thursday and an early injury to Eddie Lacy on Sunday. It was going to be a rough week regardless, with Roddy White banged up and Anquan Boldin and Vernon Davis playing the studly Seattle D. The good news? John still has his good looks going for him.

Titsburgh Feelers 159, Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 136
Brett and his Tittyboys rode great outings from Marshawn Lynch (33 points), Julio Jones (35) and Martellus Bennett (26) to victory. His Flex spot may get tricky as the season goes on if David Wilson doesn't step his game up, but there's still a lot of talent on this team. Peter got unlucky this week, putting up a solid 136 points in a nice all-around effort. Only his D and Kicker scored less than 10 points, but he had no Lynch/Jones 30+ point performance to put him on top. Peter's squad is very deep at WR, with five players scoring 10+ points this week (and none of them are scrubs: Demaryius Thomas, Vincent Jackson, Dwayne Bowe, James Jones and Torrey Smith). His squad still looks good, despite the loss.

Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe 138, SCLSU Mud Dogs 130
Each squad here had two players really carry the team this week: Dez Bryant (29) and Jimmy Graham (33) for the Dwayne Bowes and Megatron (29) and Pierre Garcon (28) for the Tater Tots. Both teams put up solid across-the-board performances, and both left four 12+ point players on the bench.

Miley's VMA Foam Finger 117, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 84
The Peyton Manning-Wes Welker connection only got Aziz 32 points this week, but he got solid performances out of CJ Spiller (16) and Jordy Nelson (21) to seal the deal. Aziz left three 15+ point receivers on the bench in Mike Wallace (26), Julian Edelman (20) and Malcom Floyd (15), but had nowhere to put them anyways with Welker, Nelson and AJ Green in the starting lineup. The Shmitty Shmitts saw two dud performances out of Frank Gore (3) and the Steelers D (0), getting double digit points out of the rest of the roster. They were undone by having nobody score over 16 points, however, and got just 12 out of Drew Brees.

Team Edwards 102, Team Kelly 101
It was a good week for the Bennie Babies, as his Bungholes beat Pittsburgh on MNF and his fantasy team won by 1 point follosing SNF. Team Edwards got standout performances from Tavon Austin (22 points), Seattle's D (19) and Rashard Mendenhall (16) to offset meh weeks from Tom Brady (11), Adrian Peterson (9) and Jason Witten (4). Team Kelly looked like they had the game in hand, up 18 going into Sunday Night, but they couldn't hold on. Their trio of RB's (Ray Rice, Steven Jackson and Maurice Jones-Drew) all got banged up and combined to score just 14 points. Michael Vick and Victor Cruz carried this team almost to victory, and Tyler will have to hope at least 1 of his 3 RB's can play this week, with just Pierre Thomas on the bench to back them all up.

Here are your NFL Gif-caps!

Patriots 13, Jets 10
Woof, this was an ugly game to start off the week. The Pats were rolling early, scoring 10 points in the game's first 6 minutes, but abruptly stopped playing football and had 6 LESS FIRST DOWNS AND 86 LESS TOTAL YARDS THAN GENO SMITH AND THE JETS. TOM BRADY'S FACE WHEN:



D'Brickashaw Ferguson is really mad about VT's upcoming decade of dominance over UVA and decided to take it out on a Patriot defensive lineman:



The Jets decided to have a ghost return their punts:



Falcons 31, Rams 24
This must have been a long game - the teams combined to go 65/98 passing for 709 yards and 34 carries for 105 yards on the ground. Roddy White's injury didn't slow Julio Jones down, as he exploded for 11 catches, 182 yards and a TD on 14 targets. Steven Jackson had just 3 carries for 0 yards before leaving with a thigh injury, which is surprising if you have terrible anticipation skills.

Also, ouch:



Bills 24, Panthers 23
This would have been a really fun and exciting game to watch if anybody gave a shit about the Bills or Panthers, as neither team ever lead by more than 8 points and the Bills came behind to score a game-winning TD with 2 seconds left. Or, as the Bills' twitter account thought, was a game-tying TD with 2 seconds left:



EJ Manuel has 446 yards passing, 3 TD:1 INT and a 68.2 completion percentage through his first two games. It's a bit early to look too far into this, but he certainly looks better than I expected him to.

Deadspin and Bleacher Report didn't have any gifs from this game, so I went to my third biggest gif-related read, Black Sports Online for this one:



Bears 31, Vikings 30
The Vikings found a way to score 30 points with only 1 offensive touchdown (and not even from Adrian Peterson!). They had every chance to punch it in, but settled for sub-30 yard three field goals from Blair Walsh in the last 18 minutes of the game before losing with 10 seconds left on a Martellus Bennett TD. Matt Forte had a Matt Forte day, putting up 90 yards rushing and 71 receiving (11 catches!!!) but with no TD's.

Who wants to see a ref get nailed by Jay Cutler? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!



Pretty much everyone but Jay Cutler wanted to see that.



Also, when did Sam Steele Ponder's hubby turn into an immovable object?



Packers 38, Redskins 20
For the second straight week, the Skins have decided to go behind by 4 scores before realizing "oh shit, we have a game today?!?" The score looks closer than the game, as Aaron Rodgers dropped a Cleveland Steamer onto the Skins' D. Rodgers tied the franchise single game passing record (the last 18 months have just been awesome for Matt Flynn), and James Jones went 11 catches for 178 yards on 12 targets a week after having 0 catches on 2 targets.

Brandon Meriweather is on my team, but I do not like him doing this to Eddie Lacy. What do you expect out of someone from DA UUUUUUUUU, though?



Note to future Redskins opponents: all you have to do to get massive yardage against the Skins' defense is get a runner around their secondary. ARM TACKLE NATION!



But in all seriousness, a pylon could play better defense than the Skins' secondary:



Dolphins 24, Colts 20
The Dolphins are 2-0! The Dolphins are 2-0! Break up the Dolphins!! They've done so by beating 2 crappy teams (you can debate me on the Colts all day, but they went 10-6 last year against a horrifyingly easy schedule AND 2 OF THOSE LOSSES WERE TO THE JAGUARS AND JETS).

Anyways, back to the present. This game was a bit strange to me because each team put up a decent amount of yardage and just turned the ball over once as well, but only went for 44 points. Mike Wallace and TY Hilton each had 115+ yards, providing great value as #3 WR's and Fins FB Charles Clay had over 100 yards receiving and vultured a 1 yard TD on his only carry. The Dolphins had 0 penalties, which is weird.

Couldn't find a GIF of this game. Not complaining.

Chiefs 17, Cowgirls 16
Andy Reid is the all-time leader in victories against the Cowgirls (18), and added to that total on Sunday in another ugly game. The Cowgirls got a big game out of Dez Bryant (141 yards on 9 catches, 1 TD), but couldn't establish a run game at all (16 carries for 37 yards, 12 of which were on Lance Dunbar's fumble). The Chiefs had a nice drive to ice the game, marching 38 yards and taking up 3:34 of clock, leaving the Cowgirls just 16 seconds on the clock and the ball at their 4 yard line.

Romo's gonna Romo.



This was a really good punt:



Chargers 33, Iggles 30
The Iggles' offense looked really good again, this time advancing 511 yards on 58 plays (and using just 19:43 of game clock, yikes!). They were undone by penalties (9 for 82 yards) and their defense, as Philip Rivers lit them up for 419 yards and 3 scores, all to my boy Eddie Royal!!!

This looks like it hurt:



To make matters worse for Iggles fans, Deadspin wrote yesterday that the Iggles had a deal in place before the 2012 draft to trade their 2nd round pick for Colin Kaepernick. They pulled the deal off of the table because they were positive they were going to get Russell Wilson in the third round. And they ended up with Nick "Napoleon Dynamite" Foles instead of either. LOL.

Ravens 14, Browns 6
Remember when the Ravens won the Super Bowl last year? They looked like garbage for the second straight week. The Browns pitched a shutout for the first 40 minutes before Bernard Pierce and Marlon Brown scored TD's in the last 20. Ray Rice left the game with a strained hip flexor and lost a fumble. Brandon Wheeden got hurt for the Browns, improving their chances to win in future weeks. No GIFs could be found, so here's Vladimir Putin making balloon animals:




Texans 30, Titans 24
This game was a lot closer than expected, with Arian Foster tying it late in the 4th and DeAndre Hopkins sealing the deal in overtime with a 25 yard catch to get the ball inside the 5 and then a 3 yard TD. Jake Locker being Jake Locker found a way to turn a 2 TD 0 INT game into something that looked like crap by completing barely over 50% of his passes for just 148 yards. His counterpart Matt Schaub handled the ball just as bad, which is surprising since he had plenty of experience with balls at UVA. And holy crap, Randy Bullock missed four straight kicks thatcould have won it.

The game winning TD:



Cardinals 25, Lions 21
Calvin Johnson redeemed himself with two TD's after having two taken away from him in week 1, but it wasn't enough for the Lions to come out on top. I shudder to think what Megatron will do to the Skins' defense next week. Matt Stafford had a fairly nice day (67% completion percentage, 278 yards, 2 TD/0 INT) but the Lions had no running game (20 carries for 49 yards total). Larry Fitzgerald played through pain for just 2 catches and 33 yards on 5 targets, so Patrick Peterson stepped up, tossing a 17 yard gain and catching one as well. He does everything else, so why not?!?

Peterson's pass:



Saints 16, Buccaneers 14
The Saints are 2-0 despite looking like crap and the Bucs are 0-2 despite leading into the last minute in both of their games. Drew Brees had a pedestrian day for Drew Brees, throwing 57% for 322 yards, 1 TD and 2 INT. Jimmy Graham had a fantastic game, catching the ball 10 times for 179 yards and 1 TD on 16 targets. For the Bucs, Josh Freeman looked like a dumpster baby covered in wet shoes and armpit hair, completing just 41% of his passes for 1 TD and 1 pick. Doug Martin had a nice day with 29 carries for 144 yards but couldn't get into the end zone.

Not quite a FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN!!! but as close as we got this week:



Raiders 19, Jaguars 9
This was a game. 12 of the points were scored by Marcel Reece and Clay Harbor and the other 16 were scored by Josh Scobee and Sebastian Janikowski. Carry on, no need to waste our lives by paying more attention to this game.

Charles Woodson still has it, though:



This is how I imagine every play looked from the Jags/Raiders game:



Broncos 41, Giants 23
The Manning Bowl was a great game going into the fourth quarter, but the Broncos pulled away late with a big win for the second straight week. Little bro threw for 362 yards to big bro's 307, but also had 4 picks #CLASSICELI. Knowshon Moreno had the best fantasy day out of the non-QB's, running for 93 yards on 13 carries with 2 TD's.

Peyton is hungry for more TD's:



Brandon Jacobs exists again:



Trindon Holliday is good at running away from people in blue shirts and grey pants:



Shehawks 29, 49ers 3
This game did not live up to my expectations. I'm not surprised by the 497 combined total yards between the two teams or anything. I was just disappointed that the 49ers didn't show up to play at all. Colin Kaeperpick went 13/28 passing for 127 yards and threw 3 picks and Russell Wilson was 8/19 for 142, 1 TD and 1 INT, but hey, READ OPTION! The game was 5-0 at halftime, and Marshawn Lynch took 3 balls to the house in the second half.

Sidney Rice got the first ball-spinning penalty after killing Eric Reid in a collision:



Marshawn Lynch is wondering where everybody went:



Richard Sherman got some cheerleader lovin after picking off Colin Kaeperpick:



Richard Sherman also got him some booty lovin from Jim Harbaugh after the game. SHAWTY GOT A BIG OLE BUTT OH YEAHHHHHHHH



Bengals 20, Steelers 10
This was an important win for the Bengals, as the Steelers have a 53-33 all-time record vs Cincinnati, including a 5-1 record over the last three years. Andy Dalton didn't look great, completing 56% of his passes for 280, but didn't turn the ball over. While Benjarvus Green-Ellis carried the larger load (22 carries for 75 yards), Giovani Bernard broke out with both a rushing and receiving TD. Time will tell whether or not Bernard will take command of a larger role in the offense, but he'll certainly get more touches. From the Steelers side, there was no run game (16 carries for 44 yards) and Big Ben went 20/37 for 251 yards, 1 TD and 1 pick. It wasn't an overly exciting game, as both defenses took turns cockblocking the opposing offenses, but a big one for Cincy nonetheless.

Giovani Bernard is fast dot com:



David Paulson fumbled after a 34 yard gain:



There was an intereception in the football game:



James Harrison hologram:



Last but not least, if you haven't paid yet, I still need the $20. Please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me (sean.t.hogan@gmail.com). If you don't pay, I will rip your head off and shit down your neck.