Week 4 Recap
Como estan, bitches?
Week 4 is over. Here are your Fantasy and NFL recaps. Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's is here. Week 3's is here.
Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 153, SCLSU Mud Dogs 120
The battle between the two highest scoring teams in the league did not disappoint; while Tater's Tots got all mushed up, both teams scored early and often in this double digit mania. The Invisible Bitches got 22+ points from Jamaal Charles, Matt Forte, Torrey Smith, Demaryius Thomas and the Titans D, and had they started Kenbrell Thompkins (24) over Vincent Jackson (4), they would have set the league scoring record with 173 points (not that that would have been a great idea, I'm just saying). Brandon Myers getting anything from Elisha Manning would have helped Pete chase the record as well, but I guess she doesn't put out. Tate had a solid week, with nobody scoring more than 18 points, but 7 of 9 players putting up double digits. He was led by 14+ points out of DeMarco Murray, Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Pierre Garcon and the Broncos D and saw just Jared Cook (8) and Greg Zuerlein (4) score in single digits).
These two teams face Team Edwards and Juicy J next week who are a combined 1-6-1, so they look to have a chance to get deeper into the playoff hunt, especially as the 4-0 teams play each other.
Team Sexton 143, Titsburgh Feelers 128
The Fighting Sex Men continued their winning streak with a solid 15 point victory this week. Titsburgh put up yet another solid effort, but came in on the losing end. The Charlie Sheen Sex Addicts were led by Antonio Gates (29, and playing like he's 26), Reggie Bush (26, and playing like he's 23) and the Colts D (20, playing like it's 2006!). They got double digit points out of all starters except for DeSean Jackson and Sebastian Janikowski, and even had 1 RB and 2 WR who put up 11+ on the bench. Boobsburgh had a bunch of solid weeks, with 20+ points out of Matt Ryan, Marshawn Lynch and Andre Johnson and 7+ out of every player on the team, but just didn't have quite enough to get the W. Had they started Alshon Jeffrey over Emmanuel Sanders, they would have won by 1 point, but hindsight is 20/20 and I think you need lasik to see 20/20.
Miley's VMA Foam Finger 138, Team Kelly 129
Last week, Miley beat Juicy J to stay undefeated. It got worse for Juicy J, who apparently knocked up Miley in the process. No pregnancies will occur from this matchup, as Ray Rice and MJD's weeks were aborted (4 combined points), paving the way for a heartbreaking loss for Tyler. Tony Gonzalez (38) made it close late, and Victor Cruz (32) and Reggie Wayne (21) made it a game in the first place, but Team Kelly just couldn't get past their three 3-or-fewer point performances from Rice, MJD and Dan Bailey. Starting Greg Jennings over Eddie Royal would have given Tyler the win, though, in yet another case for Captain Hindsight. Aziz's Comedy Coupe had great weeks out of Peyton Manning and Wes Welker (broken record, I knoew) but also nice outings from Fred Jackson, AJ Green, Julian Edelman, Chiefs D and Matt Prater, all of which put up 12 or more points. Aziz, its appears that whenever your team wins, the Steelers lose. If you want your favorite NFL team to win, you should probably stop winning here. THE MORE YOU KNOW! The 4-0 teams will clash next week, paving the way for me to take over second place. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY MASTER PLAN!
Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 131, Juicy J 95
Matt's Bostaph didn't need the obscene 91 points on the bench in Arian Foster (28), Owen Daniels (13), Vincent Brown 911), Le'Veon Bell (23) and Jay Cutler (lol, he got 16 points?!?) as he rolled to a big victory. Drew Brees (32), Jordan Cameron (25) and Antonio Brown (21) led the way, and Frank Gore, Marques Colston and Blair Walsh also helped to contribute. Juicy J was hurt by having 4 of his high-ish draft picks on the bench due to Aaron Rodgers' bye week (Kaep only put up 13 points), Eddie Lacy's bye, Roddy White's injury, and Vernon Davis just chillin'. Alfred Morris' rib contusion didn't help (7 points), nor did the Redskins' secondary's mild competence (held Rod Streater to 3 points). Week 5 will be even tougher for Juicy J, as they face Patricia's Estonian Escorts, the league leader in points scored.
Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 129, Team Edwards 104
I currently hold the 2030 N Cleveland title, as I've beaten both other roommates in consecutive weeks. Guess that means I get to be the top this week! My team had a pretty crappy week, with just four players scoring double digits. I was saved at the last minute by a combined 56 points out of Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham, and also enjoyed a 26 pointer out of Dez Bryant. The Benihanas had 16+ out of Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson and Seahawks D, but had 5 from CJ2K, 2 from Tavon Austin, 3 from Phil Dawson and a good but not great 9-13 out of Denarius Moore, Jason Witten and Bilal Powell.
Now that I've bugged you enough with making fun of you all, here are your NFL GIFcaps!
WEEK 4 BYES: CAROLINA AND GREEN BAY
49ers 35, Rams 11
God, the Rams just blow. All of the 49ers' relevant fantasy guys had TD's, but Gore and Kaepernick lost fumbles to shave a little bit of value away. Sam Bradford went 19/41 for 202, 1 garbage time TD, 1 pick and 1 fumble, and the Rams ran 19 times for 18 yards.
HOW DO I FOOTBALL?
Frank Gore can still motor
Phil Dawson tried dat 71 yard fair catch field goal which was cool and all except it was nowhere close:
Bills 23, Ravens 20lol
The Bills made me nervous, as they tried their hardest to blow their 13 point halftime lead but managed to hang on. The Ravens only carried the ball 9 times in the game and twice in the second half, which makes perfect sence since Joe Flacco put up an ELITE 2 TD/5 INT performance.
Joe Flacco signed $100 million extension over the offseason. So kind of him to redistribute the wealth to the poor residents of Buffalo.
Browns 17, Bungles 6
Brian Hoyer put up another nice week (25/38 for 269 and 2 TD) against a depleted by injury Bungles secondary and the Browns shut down Andy Dalton (23/42 for 206, 1 INT and 1 fumble lost) and the Bungles' running game (20 carries for 63 yards) for victory. It was an embarrassing loss for Cincinnati, who had a chance to put themselves 1 game ahead of Baltimore, 2 ahead of Cincy and 3 ahead of Poopsburgh.
"Andy Not Dandy Dalton", or "Bungles Gonna Bungle" or "both"?
Lions 40, Bears 32
It would be easy for me to say that the score is closer than the game was, as Detroit scored 16 in the last 4 minutes, but considering how much of a shitshow this game was on both ends, would it have surprised you if the Bears got the onside kick, scored a TD and sent the game to OT with another 2 point conversion? Well, Cutler would have probably thrown a pick had they gotten the ball back, so moot point. Reggie Bush had the game of his life (139 and a TD rushing, 34 receiving) and Matt Forte wasn't too shabby himself (95 and a TD rushing, 22 receiving) to counteract their QBs' combined 6 turnovers.
Reggie Bush's Madden 2006 run:
Matt Stafford fumbles, quickly imagines that the football is a keg, and recovers for a TD.
Did Nick Fairley really knock Suh down, or did Suh take a dive to try and take Ansah's knees out?
Chiefs 31, Giants 7lol
What's harder to believe: the Kool-Aid Man started 4-0 with the freaking Chiefs, or the Giants are 0-4? BOTH HAPPENED IN ONE GAME. The Chiefs had a balanced passing attack, with TD throws to Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe and Sean McGrath (who I'm convinced was a test tube baby created with DNA taken from Tony Gonzalez's dandruff). 16 of Elisha Manning's 37 attempts were Victor Cruz targets; he caught 10 of them for 164 and a beautiful 69 yard TD, but they got basically squat from their other guys against a Brandon Flowers-less secondary. David Wilson ran the ball fairly well (13 carries for 55 yards), so it makes even more sense that Tom Coughlin kept pulling him out for Da'Rel Scott whenever he got a groove going. Elisha fumbled twice, which means he gets benched, right Tom?
The Kool Aid Man is very courteous
Who the F was Elisha throwing to here?
Dexter McCluster PR TD/Salsa
Vikings 34, Steelers 27lol
THIS GAME SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS IN LONDON! Greg Jennings, Adrian Peterson and Le'Veon Bell all scored 2 TD's in this shootout (well, since most guns are banned in the UK, slap-off?). Matt Cassel played a football game, throwing for 248 and 2 TD's and even friggin Jerricho Cotchery and Jerome Simpson showed up for over 100 yards receiving. What is this, 2008?
Jesus the Emanuel died for our sins, but Emmanuel Sanders couldn't dive for Big Ben's sin.
Welcome to the league, Le'Veon.
Sweet Baby Ray's, Adrian!
Cardinals 13, Buccaneers 10
The Mike Glennon show looks a lot like the Josh Freeman show. The Giraffe went 24/43 in his debut for 193 yards, 1 TD, 2 picks to Patrick Peterson and a lost fumble. Let's be honest, nobody gives a shit about this game other than Doug Martin (27 for 45 and 0 TD, shiiiiit) and Larry Fitzgerald (6 for 68 and a TD, niiiiice).
Fake punt? FAKE PUNT! Literally the only exciting thing about this game:
Colts 37, Jaguars 3
Remember when the Jags were up 3-0 after the first quarter and you were like "LOL THE JAGUARS ARE BEATING THE COLTS THE COLTS SUCK WHO IS YOUR GOD NOW JIM IRSAY?!?" Yeah, well that didn't last. Trent Richardson carried 20 times for 60 yards and a TD in a game where the Colts' other 9 carries averaged 10.4 yards per. EVEN DONALD BROWN RAN FOR A 50 YARD GAIN ON THESE SCRUBS. Reggie Wayne and Coby Fleener caught TD's if you're into that kinda thing. MJD had a sad day (13 for 23, 0 TD), Cecil Shorts continued to catch a solid number of things thrown near him by terrible QB's (7 for 61, 0 TD)
Well, this one wasn't even Blaine Gabbert's fault:
Shehawks 23, Texans 20
I'm so mad that the Texans blew this game. Stupid UVA boy at QB throwing stupid passes right at Richard Sherman. Russell Wilson looked like hot garbage throwing the ball (12 for 23, 123 yards, 1 pick) but ran well (10 for 77). Marshawn Lynch had 17 for 98 and a TD including a 43 yard man run. Arian Foster and Andre Johnson had positive performances, with both going over 100 yards in their respective domains (and Foster picking up 69 and a TD receiving as well).
Dat Beast Mode
OXYGEN!
Stupid friggin UVA weenie Matt Schaub.
This was a cool pick, though:
Titans 38, Jets 13
BREAK UP THE TITANS! (no, Jets d-linemen, not BREAK THE TITANS! RIP Jake Locker). They may have their 3 wins against Pittsburgh, San Diego and the NEW YORK JEST but they all still count. Now it's Ryan Fitzpatrick's show for a few weeks.
Silly Geno, that's not how you butt fumble:
MOVE BITCH. GET OUT THE WAY!
REDSKINS 24, RAIDERS 14HTTR
Remember that time where the Redskins actually held an opponent to under 300 total yards, had 7 sacks, forced a fumble and had a pick-6? Sure, it was against a backup QB and RB and the Raiders blow in general, but HTTR BABY! RGIII looked more comfortable rolling out and threw a respectable 58% for 227 and a TD. David Amerson had a 45 yard pick 6 in his first good performance ever and Ryan Kerrigan, Barry Cofield and Brian Orakpo (or as Dick Stockton would say, Oprako, Okkrako, Baracko, Shmashamako, etc) terrorized Matt Flynn's neighborhood.
Sadly, Barry Cofield did not do the taser dance after either sack, but here's what it would have looked like:
David Amerson did something positive!
Pierre Garcon with the nifty back leg kick
Roy Helu with da hurdle!
I am embarrassed that this bitch from Glee's brother caught a TD pass.
Broncos 52, Eagles 20lol
The Iggles kept it close through a quarter and a half and then fell victim to a 38 point Broncos run before tacking on a late TD themselves. Demaryius Thomas and Wes Welker each caught 2 TD's and Peyton Manning was a surgeon, completing 82% of his passes for 327 yards. Both 2012 drafted backup QB's got some garbage time, which made Mel Kiper cream a little. The Iggles' stats don't even look that bad, just the Broncos are damn good. Imagine when they get Von Miller and Champ Bailey back, too.
I wish I could drink Chip Kelly's tears.
Chargers 30, Cowgirls 21lol
When the Cowgirls had their 2 TD run late in the first half, I got pretty bummed. Fortunately for me, they didn't do shit outside of their 21 point second quarter and as long as the Broncos take care of Dallass next week, the Skins will be playing the Cowgirls for first place in week 6. Philip Rivers (83% for 401 yards, 3 TD and 1 pick) and Tony Romo (73% for 244 and 2 TD) each had fantastic days and both teams rushed the ball with competance as well (27 for 112 for SD and 16 for 92 for Dallass). Dez Bryant and Danny Woodhead each had 2 TD's, which is cool because for the first and last time ever we get to compare them to each other.
ANTONIO GATES PARTY LIKE IT'S 2004
I did a similar jig when I won my last Madden game
Patriots 30, Falcons 23
The game didn't really get exciting until the fourth quarter, where 30 of the game's 53 points were scored. Atlanta made it interesting late, but couldn't make it into the end zone in the game's last minute to tie. New England was efficient both passing the ball (Tom Brady was 65% for 316 and 2 TD) and running (31 for 132 and a TD) and had 0 turnovers. Atlanta struggled to run the ball (15 for 58) and thus relied heavily on Matt Ryan's arm. He didn't disappoint, throwing for 421 yards on 63% passing, 2 TD and 1 pick. Tony Gonzalez was his primary target, catching 12 balls for 149 yards and 2 TD, while Kembrell Thompkins (6 for 127 and a TD) and Julian Edelman (7 for 118) caught the majority of Tom Brady's passes. The Falcons fall to 1-3 with tough matchups against Seattle, New Orleans, Green Bay, San Francisco and the Redskins (lol) ahead of them, so they'll need to be almost perfect if they want to reach the playoffs. It does help that the NFC is a giant clusterfuck outside of NO and SEA right now, though.
Nothing to see here, just Bobby Kraft chillin' with his main man Floyd Money Mayweather:
Julian Edelman managed to not get injured from this:
Asian Brady
Saints 38, Dolphins 17
Who's got two thumbs and stupidly thought the Dolphins would cover +7 last night? This guy. Each QB spread the ball like Travis Henry spreads his seed, with Brees completing 30 passes to 8 receivers and Tannehill completing 22 to 8 as well. The Dolphins couldn't keep up with the Saints' 2nd and 3rd quarter TD parade, and it certainly didn't help that Tannehill threw 3 picks and lost a fumble. Don't be fooled that some scrub named Khiry Robinson had half of the total carries for the Saints; 6 of his 12 carries came in garbage time in the 4th quarter as the Saints tried to do the only thing they're not good at: run time off of the clock.
Gruden is a dolphin:
Cool pick, bro:
I still need the $20 from Tyler and Matt. Please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me. If you don't pay, I will not wax all of the hair off of Brett's body. If you do pay, I gladly will.
This week was fun, guys. Until next week!
Week 4 is over. Here are your Fantasy and NFL recaps. Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's is here. Week 3's is here.
Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 153, SCLSU Mud Dogs 120
The battle between the two highest scoring teams in the league did not disappoint; while Tater's Tots got all mushed up, both teams scored early and often in this double digit mania. The Invisible Bitches got 22+ points from Jamaal Charles, Matt Forte, Torrey Smith, Demaryius Thomas and the Titans D, and had they started Kenbrell Thompkins (24) over Vincent Jackson (4), they would have set the league scoring record with 173 points (not that that would have been a great idea, I'm just saying). Brandon Myers getting anything from Elisha Manning would have helped Pete chase the record as well, but I guess she doesn't put out. Tate had a solid week, with nobody scoring more than 18 points, but 7 of 9 players putting up double digits. He was led by 14+ points out of DeMarco Murray, Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Pierre Garcon and the Broncos D and saw just Jared Cook (8) and Greg Zuerlein (4) score in single digits).
These two teams face Team Edwards and Juicy J next week who are a combined 1-6-1, so they look to have a chance to get deeper into the playoff hunt, especially as the 4-0 teams play each other.
Team Sexton 143, Titsburgh Feelers 128
The Fighting Sex Men continued their winning streak with a solid 15 point victory this week. Titsburgh put up yet another solid effort, but came in on the losing end. The Charlie Sheen Sex Addicts were led by Antonio Gates (29, and playing like he's 26), Reggie Bush (26, and playing like he's 23) and the Colts D (20, playing like it's 2006!). They got double digit points out of all starters except for DeSean Jackson and Sebastian Janikowski, and even had 1 RB and 2 WR who put up 11+ on the bench. Boobsburgh had a bunch of solid weeks, with 20+ points out of Matt Ryan, Marshawn Lynch and Andre Johnson and 7+ out of every player on the team, but just didn't have quite enough to get the W. Had they started Alshon Jeffrey over Emmanuel Sanders, they would have won by 1 point, but hindsight is 20/20 and I think you need lasik to see 20/20.
Miley's VMA Foam Finger 138, Team Kelly 129
Last week, Miley beat Juicy J to stay undefeated. It got worse for Juicy J, who apparently knocked up Miley in the process. No pregnancies will occur from this matchup, as Ray Rice and MJD's weeks were aborted (4 combined points), paving the way for a heartbreaking loss for Tyler. Tony Gonzalez (38) made it close late, and Victor Cruz (32) and Reggie Wayne (21) made it a game in the first place, but Team Kelly just couldn't get past their three 3-or-fewer point performances from Rice, MJD and Dan Bailey. Starting Greg Jennings over Eddie Royal would have given Tyler the win, though, in yet another case for Captain Hindsight. Aziz's Comedy Coupe had great weeks out of Peyton Manning and Wes Welker (broken record, I knoew) but also nice outings from Fred Jackson, AJ Green, Julian Edelman, Chiefs D and Matt Prater, all of which put up 12 or more points. Aziz, its appears that whenever your team wins, the Steelers lose. If you want your favorite NFL team to win, you should probably stop winning here. THE MORE YOU KNOW! The 4-0 teams will clash next week, paving the way for me to take over second place. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY MASTER PLAN!
Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 131, Juicy J 95
Matt's Bostaph didn't need the obscene 91 points on the bench in Arian Foster (28), Owen Daniels (13), Vincent Brown 911), Le'Veon Bell (23) and Jay Cutler (lol, he got 16 points?!?) as he rolled to a big victory. Drew Brees (32), Jordan Cameron (25) and Antonio Brown (21) led the way, and Frank Gore, Marques Colston and Blair Walsh also helped to contribute. Juicy J was hurt by having 4 of his high-ish draft picks on the bench due to Aaron Rodgers' bye week (Kaep only put up 13 points), Eddie Lacy's bye, Roddy White's injury, and Vernon Davis just chillin'. Alfred Morris' rib contusion didn't help (7 points), nor did the Redskins' secondary's mild competence (held Rod Streater to 3 points). Week 5 will be even tougher for Juicy J, as they face Patricia's Estonian Escorts, the league leader in points scored.
Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe 129, Team Edwards 104
I currently hold the 2030 N Cleveland title, as I've beaten both other roommates in consecutive weeks. Guess that means I get to be the top this week! My team had a pretty crappy week, with just four players scoring double digits. I was saved at the last minute by a combined 56 points out of Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham, and also enjoyed a 26 pointer out of Dez Bryant. The Benihanas had 16+ out of Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson and Seahawks D, but had 5 from CJ2K, 2 from Tavon Austin, 3 from Phil Dawson and a good but not great 9-13 out of Denarius Moore, Jason Witten and Bilal Powell.
Now that I've bugged you enough with making fun of you all, here are your NFL GIFcaps!
WEEK 4 BYES: CAROLINA AND GREEN BAY
49ers 35, Rams 11
God, the Rams just blow. All of the 49ers' relevant fantasy guys had TD's, but Gore and Kaepernick lost fumbles to shave a little bit of value away. Sam Bradford went 19/41 for 202, 1 garbage time TD, 1 pick and 1 fumble, and the Rams ran 19 times for 18 yards.
HOW DO I FOOTBALL?
Frank Gore can still motor
Phil Dawson tried dat 71 yard fair catch field goal which was cool and all except it was nowhere close:
Bills 23, Ravens 20lol
The Bills made me nervous, as they tried their hardest to blow their 13 point halftime lead but managed to hang on. The Ravens only carried the ball 9 times in the game and twice in the second half, which makes perfect sence since Joe Flacco put up an ELITE 2 TD/5 INT performance.
Joe Flacco signed $100 million extension over the offseason. So kind of him to redistribute the wealth to the poor residents of Buffalo.
Browns 17, Bungles 6
Brian Hoyer put up another nice week (25/38 for 269 and 2 TD) against a depleted by injury Bungles secondary and the Browns shut down Andy Dalton (23/42 for 206, 1 INT and 1 fumble lost) and the Bungles' running game (20 carries for 63 yards) for victory. It was an embarrassing loss for Cincinnati, who had a chance to put themselves 1 game ahead of Baltimore, 2 ahead of Cincy and 3 ahead of Poopsburgh.
"Andy Not Dandy Dalton", or "Bungles Gonna Bungle" or "both"?
Lions 40, Bears 32
It would be easy for me to say that the score is closer than the game was, as Detroit scored 16 in the last 4 minutes, but considering how much of a shitshow this game was on both ends, would it have surprised you if the Bears got the onside kick, scored a TD and sent the game to OT with another 2 point conversion? Well, Cutler would have probably thrown a pick had they gotten the ball back, so moot point. Reggie Bush had the game of his life (139 and a TD rushing, 34 receiving) and Matt Forte wasn't too shabby himself (95 and a TD rushing, 22 receiving) to counteract their QBs' combined 6 turnovers.
Reggie Bush's Madden 2006 run:
Matt Stafford fumbles, quickly imagines that the football is a keg, and recovers for a TD.
Did Nick Fairley really knock Suh down, or did Suh take a dive to try and take Ansah's knees out?
Chiefs 31, Giants 7lol
What's harder to believe: the Kool-Aid Man started 4-0 with the freaking Chiefs, or the Giants are 0-4? BOTH HAPPENED IN ONE GAME. The Chiefs had a balanced passing attack, with TD throws to Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe and Sean McGrath (who I'm convinced was a test tube baby created with DNA taken from Tony Gonzalez's dandruff). 16 of Elisha Manning's 37 attempts were Victor Cruz targets; he caught 10 of them for 164 and a beautiful 69 yard TD, but they got basically squat from their other guys against a Brandon Flowers-less secondary. David Wilson ran the ball fairly well (13 carries for 55 yards), so it makes even more sense that Tom Coughlin kept pulling him out for Da'Rel Scott whenever he got a groove going. Elisha fumbled twice, which means he gets benched, right Tom?
The Kool Aid Man is very courteous
Who the F was Elisha throwing to here?
Dexter McCluster PR TD/Salsa
Vikings 34, Steelers 27lol
THIS GAME SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS IN LONDON! Greg Jennings, Adrian Peterson and Le'Veon Bell all scored 2 TD's in this shootout (well, since most guns are banned in the UK, slap-off?). Matt Cassel played a football game, throwing for 248 and 2 TD's and even friggin Jerricho Cotchery and Jerome Simpson showed up for over 100 yards receiving. What is this, 2008?
Jesus the Emanuel died for our sins, but Emmanuel Sanders couldn't dive for Big Ben's sin.
Welcome to the league, Le'Veon.
Sweet Baby Ray's, Adrian!
Cardinals 13, Buccaneers 10
The Mike Glennon show looks a lot like the Josh Freeman show. The Giraffe went 24/43 in his debut for 193 yards, 1 TD, 2 picks to Patrick Peterson and a lost fumble. Let's be honest, nobody gives a shit about this game other than Doug Martin (27 for 45 and 0 TD, shiiiiit) and Larry Fitzgerald (6 for 68 and a TD, niiiiice).
Fake punt? FAKE PUNT! Literally the only exciting thing about this game:
Colts 37, Jaguars 3
Remember when the Jags were up 3-0 after the first quarter and you were like "LOL THE JAGUARS ARE BEATING THE COLTS THE COLTS SUCK WHO IS YOUR GOD NOW JIM IRSAY?!?" Yeah, well that didn't last. Trent Richardson carried 20 times for 60 yards and a TD in a game where the Colts' other 9 carries averaged 10.4 yards per. EVEN DONALD BROWN RAN FOR A 50 YARD GAIN ON THESE SCRUBS. Reggie Wayne and Coby Fleener caught TD's if you're into that kinda thing. MJD had a sad day (13 for 23, 0 TD), Cecil Shorts continued to catch a solid number of things thrown near him by terrible QB's (7 for 61, 0 TD)
Well, this one wasn't even Blaine Gabbert's fault:
Shehawks 23, Texans 20
I'm so mad that the Texans blew this game. Stupid UVA boy at QB throwing stupid passes right at Richard Sherman. Russell Wilson looked like hot garbage throwing the ball (12 for 23, 123 yards, 1 pick) but ran well (10 for 77). Marshawn Lynch had 17 for 98 and a TD including a 43 yard man run. Arian Foster and Andre Johnson had positive performances, with both going over 100 yards in their respective domains (and Foster picking up 69 and a TD receiving as well).
Dat Beast Mode
OXYGEN!
Stupid friggin UVA weenie Matt Schaub.
This was a cool pick, though:
Titans 38, Jets 13
BREAK UP THE TITANS! (no, Jets d-linemen, not BREAK THE TITANS! RIP Jake Locker). They may have their 3 wins against Pittsburgh, San Diego and the NEW YORK JEST but they all still count. Now it's Ryan Fitzpatrick's show for a few weeks.
Silly Geno, that's not how you butt fumble:
MOVE BITCH. GET OUT THE WAY!
REDSKINS 24, RAIDERS 14HTTR
Remember that time where the Redskins actually held an opponent to under 300 total yards, had 7 sacks, forced a fumble and had a pick-6? Sure, it was against a backup QB and RB and the Raiders blow in general, but HTTR BABY! RGIII looked more comfortable rolling out and threw a respectable 58% for 227 and a TD. David Amerson had a 45 yard pick 6 in his first good performance ever and Ryan Kerrigan, Barry Cofield and Brian Orakpo (or as Dick Stockton would say, Oprako, Okkrako, Baracko, Shmashamako, etc) terrorized Matt Flynn's neighborhood.
Sadly, Barry Cofield did not do the taser dance after either sack, but here's what it would have looked like:
David Amerson did something positive!
Pierre Garcon with the nifty back leg kick
Roy Helu with da hurdle!
I am embarrassed that this bitch from Glee's brother caught a TD pass.
Broncos 52, Eagles 20lol
The Iggles kept it close through a quarter and a half and then fell victim to a 38 point Broncos run before tacking on a late TD themselves. Demaryius Thomas and Wes Welker each caught 2 TD's and Peyton Manning was a surgeon, completing 82% of his passes for 327 yards. Both 2012 drafted backup QB's got some garbage time, which made Mel Kiper cream a little. The Iggles' stats don't even look that bad, just the Broncos are damn good. Imagine when they get Von Miller and Champ Bailey back, too.
I wish I could drink Chip Kelly's tears.
Chargers 30, Cowgirls 21lol
When the Cowgirls had their 2 TD run late in the first half, I got pretty bummed. Fortunately for me, they didn't do shit outside of their 21 point second quarter and as long as the Broncos take care of Dallass next week, the Skins will be playing the Cowgirls for first place in week 6. Philip Rivers (83% for 401 yards, 3 TD and 1 pick) and Tony Romo (73% for 244 and 2 TD) each had fantastic days and both teams rushed the ball with competance as well (27 for 112 for SD and 16 for 92 for Dallass). Dez Bryant and Danny Woodhead each had 2 TD's, which is cool because for the first and last time ever we get to compare them to each other.
ANTONIO GATES PARTY LIKE IT'S 2004
I did a similar jig when I won my last Madden game
Patriots 30, Falcons 23
The game didn't really get exciting until the fourth quarter, where 30 of the game's 53 points were scored. Atlanta made it interesting late, but couldn't make it into the end zone in the game's last minute to tie. New England was efficient both passing the ball (Tom Brady was 65% for 316 and 2 TD) and running (31 for 132 and a TD) and had 0 turnovers. Atlanta struggled to run the ball (15 for 58) and thus relied heavily on Matt Ryan's arm. He didn't disappoint, throwing for 421 yards on 63% passing, 2 TD and 1 pick. Tony Gonzalez was his primary target, catching 12 balls for 149 yards and 2 TD, while Kembrell Thompkins (6 for 127 and a TD) and Julian Edelman (7 for 118) caught the majority of Tom Brady's passes. The Falcons fall to 1-3 with tough matchups against Seattle, New Orleans, Green Bay, San Francisco and the Redskins (lol) ahead of them, so they'll need to be almost perfect if they want to reach the playoffs. It does help that the NFC is a giant clusterfuck outside of NO and SEA right now, though.
Nothing to see here, just Bobby Kraft chillin' with his main man Floyd Money Mayweather:
Julian Edelman managed to not get injured from this:
Asian Brady
Saints 38, Dolphins 17
Who's got two thumbs and stupidly thought the Dolphins would cover +7 last night? This guy. Each QB spread the ball like Travis Henry spreads his seed, with Brees completing 30 passes to 8 receivers and Tannehill completing 22 to 8 as well. The Dolphins couldn't keep up with the Saints' 2nd and 3rd quarter TD parade, and it certainly didn't help that Tannehill threw 3 picks and lost a fumble. Don't be fooled that some scrub named Khiry Robinson had half of the total carries for the Saints; 6 of his 12 carries came in garbage time in the 4th quarter as the Saints tried to do the only thing they're not good at: run time off of the clock.
Gruden is a dolphin:
Cool pick, bro:
I still need the $20 from Tyler and Matt. Please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me. If you don't pay, I will not wax all of the hair off of Brett's body. If you do pay, I gladly will.
This week was fun, guys. Until next week!
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