Week 1 Recap
Week 1 is in the books. Here's your recap of our matchups as well as the NFL ones!
Miley's VMA Foam Finger 151, Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe 111
This matchup was over after Thursday night, as Aziz scored 78 points between just Peyton Manning (46 points), Wes Welker (25) and Matt Prater (7). Aziz also benefitted from an excellent week by AJ Green (9 catches for 162 yards and 2 TD's, 37 points). Things would have been even worse for me if Aziz had started Jordy Nelson (26 points) over Mike Wallace (2), but the Steelers fan just couldn't quit his old flame. On my side, my top performer Shane Vereen scored 22 fantasy points with a broken wrist and Cam Newton only scored 12 points.
Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 150, Team Edwards 135
The first battle of the roommates went down to the wire, as RGIII Struggled mightily in the first half last night. With his big second half performance, he still ended up scoring 19 points after flirting with negative ones early on. The fighting Te'o's got 18+ points from 6 of their 9 starters and look to be in good shape as long as RGIII is healthy. Team Edwards got big games from Adrian Peterson (32 points), Jason Witten (27) and Danny Amendola (20), but Tom Brady and Chris Johnson combined for just 22 to seal their fate.
Team Kelly 137, Juicy J 135
Team Kelly had a nice week from his starting receivers, as Victor Cruz and Reggie Wayne combined for 13 catches, 214 yards and 4 scores (57 points). The difference in this matchup came down to Juicy J having bad performances out of Stevan Ridley and Roddy White (a combined 5 points). Both teams look strong looking forward.
SCLSU Mud Dogs 163, Titsburgh Feelers 111
I'm not sure whether to classify this as incest or crimes against nature, but Little Brother sure took it deep from Big Brother. Amazingly, the only single digit scorer on the Mud Dogs was Calvin Johnson (7 points), and he had two TD's called back. Tate had 25+ points out of LeSean McCoy (25), Larry Fitzgerald (28) and Jared Cook (31) and even had a 28 point performance from Julius Thomas on the bench. Brett had a tough week, with his three running backs scoring just 6 total points and his co-top scorer being the Cowgirls' defense (26). His receivers are strong, as Julio Jones and Andre Johnson combined for 44 points (and his bench guys Miles Austin, Emmanuel Sanders and Alshon Jeffrey combined for 38 as well), but he needs Marshawn Lynch to step up his game and David Wilson and Ahmad Bradshaw to actually get in the game to improve.
Team Sexton 151, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 129
Team Sexton put up five individual efforts of 23 or more points (Luck - 24, Bush - 29, Marshall - 24, Cobb - 23 and Jackson - 23). With just 19 points combined between his TE, K and DEF and just 9 out of Trent Richardson, the best could still be yet to come. Shmitty Werbenmanjensen's offensive starters all put up 14 or more points, but nobody really broke out, as the highest scorer was Owen Daniels with 23 points. With a healthy Arian Foster and bigger performances out of Drew Brees on the horizon, they're a team to watch.
Here are the NFL game recaps!
Broncos 49, Ravens 27
The Peyton Manning show took over on Thursday night. Fuck you for playing him and Wes Welker against me, Aziz.
Brynden Trawick (more like Tardwick) killed his teammate Jacoby Jones
Danny Trevathan pulled a DeSean Jackson
Patriots 23, Bills 21
Poor Bills. They hang with the Patriots for the entire game and then lose on a last second field goal and then on top of it all, they still have to live in Buffalo.
Shane Vereen took over after Stevan Ridley had this ghost fumble. Vereen broke his wrist on his first snap and still managed to rush for over 100 yards and catch 7 passes. He'll be out at least 4 weeks and is on my team. Shiiiiit.
Bears 24, Bengals 21
The Bengals led the game 21-10 in the third quarter, but the Bears turned a Mohamed Sanu fumble into a late TD. Rey Maualuga helped seal the deal for the Bears with this judo move.
Dolphins 23, Browns 10
Did anyone actually watch this game, including Dolphins/Browns fans? I'm not convinced that the game actually happened, because there is no GIF evidence out there. So as a replacement, here is a GIF of dreadlock guy and creep guy videobombing Erin Andrews
Lions 34, Vikings 24
This was actually a pretty exciting game between the Lions and Adrian Peterson. If the Vikings had a QB other than Christian "Has a retard arm but somehow this motherfucker still found a way to bang Samantha Steele" Ponder, the Vikings might have made more of a game out of it. And the best part of the game is FOUR GIFS.
Adrian Peterson is fucking good.
Ndamukong Suh with his weekly dick move
I want Joe Fauria to score one million TD's now just for the GIFs
Colts 21, Raiders 17
If you're wondering "wow, are the Raiders actually good?" please slip the noose around your neck right now because that's a stupid question. Andrew Luck threw for 2 TD's and ran for 1 but was still somewhat upstaged by Terrelle Pryor's 329 combined yards and 1 bowled-over sideline bro.
But seriously, the Raiders thought they were gonna be so bad this year that they didn't even practice chest bumping!
Saints 23, Falcons 17
Shouldn't this game have gotten more buzz? I mean, it was a matchup between 2 likely playoff teams and was also Sean Payton's first game back after Bounty Gate. Roddy White played in the game pretty much to only serve as a decoy, and will supposedly be limited by his ankle sprain for up to 4 more weeks. Good thing I own him in half of my leagues. Also, this happened to seal the game for NO.
Jets 18, Buccaneers 17
This late hit out of bounds by Lavonte David set up the Jets' game winning field goal. Funny, I thought that former Miami Hurricanes were always cool and composed.
Can't wait to see this little douche get his ass beat in 10 years.
Also, ED HOCHULI'S FOREARMS
Titans 16, Steelers 9
How bad are the Steelers going to be this year? They were gifted 2 points a gigantic moron (who went to WVU, so not a huge surprise). Fortunately, this game was on the big screen Peter and I were facing at Mister Days, so we got to watch the whole goddamn godawful game.
Seahawks 12, Panthers 7
Maybe it's just me being bitter about the Redskins losing to the Seahawks in the playoffs, but seriously? You could only beat the Panthers by 5? The Panthers led 7-6 in the fourth quarter and had a chance to take the lead late when DerpAngelo Williams fumbled the ball away on the Seahawks' 8 yard line.
Nothing all that exciting happened, so here's the punch that got Panthers DE Frank Alexander booted from the game.
Rams 27, Cardinals 24
Jared Cook had a day, catching 2 TD passes and fumbling away what would have been #3 thanks to the Honey Badger, who still doesn't give a fuck.
Also, FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN!!!
Chiefs 28, Jaguars 2
The derp bowl took place in Jacksonville this week in another game that nobody watched. Apparently the Chiefs won 28-2.
My boy Brandon Flowers had a pick-6
The Jaguars mascot isn't a fan of Donnie Avery TD's
Also, FAT GUY ASS!!!
49ers 34, Packers 28
Colin Kaepernick torched the Packers through the air with 412 yards and 3 TD's, including 208/1 to Anquan Boldin and 98/2 to Vernon Davis. Aaron Rodgers wasn't exactly a slouch (333 yards, 3 TD and 1 pick), but it wasn't quite enough to get the Packers out of Candlestick on top. And for the second year in a row, the Packers have
gotten fucked over by a bad call
Clay Matthews lost his cool, but got his money's worth
"THAT'S MY QUARTERBACK!"
Cowgirls 36, Giants 31
The Giants turned the ball over 6 times and still only lost by 5. Obviously, Manningface
Jason Witten and Tony Romo are so close that when Romo got his ribs crushed, Witten went ahead and did the throwing up for him. What a pal!
Also, Dez Bryant hates Gatorade
Iggles 33, Redskins 27
In the first half, Chip Kelly's offense looked unstoppable and the Redskins' looked very stoppable. In the second half, the Redskins made it a game as RGIII got more comfortable, but they played themselves so far out in the first half that it barely mattered.
This is how I feel about the game
DeAngelo Hall scored on the OJ Simpson White Ford Bronco chase of return TD's. Hard to tell if it was a forward pass or not due to ESPN not having a straight down the line camera angle.
That's a good way for a rookie to leave an impression on his coaches. Literally.
No worries for the Skins, though. Lots of hugs and love going around!
Texans 31, Chargers 28
I'll defer to the SB Nation post-mortem:
"Cause of death: Rivers got the ball back ten minutes into the third quarters with his team leading by two touchdowns. He'd played well to that point, completing 13 of 20 passes for four touchdowns and no turnovers. That's why this Three Mile Island of a closing effort - 1/9, 8 yards passing, and a pick on the last five San Diego drives - was especially painful watch, because Philip Rivers had JUST demonstrated he didn't have to do Philip Rivers Things."
But for the first half, Philip Rivers was back from the dead!
I LIKE BIG BLOCKS AND I CANNOT LIE
Miley's VMA Foam Finger 151, Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe 111
This matchup was over after Thursday night, as Aziz scored 78 points between just Peyton Manning (46 points), Wes Welker (25) and Matt Prater (7). Aziz also benefitted from an excellent week by AJ Green (9 catches for 162 yards and 2 TD's, 37 points). Things would have been even worse for me if Aziz had started Jordy Nelson (26 points) over Mike Wallace (2), but the Steelers fan just couldn't quit his old flame. On my side, my top performer Shane Vereen scored 22 fantasy points with a broken wrist and Cam Newton only scored 12 points.
Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 150, Team Edwards 135
The first battle of the roommates went down to the wire, as RGIII Struggled mightily in the first half last night. With his big second half performance, he still ended up scoring 19 points after flirting with negative ones early on. The fighting Te'o's got 18+ points from 6 of their 9 starters and look to be in good shape as long as RGIII is healthy. Team Edwards got big games from Adrian Peterson (32 points), Jason Witten (27) and Danny Amendola (20), but Tom Brady and Chris Johnson combined for just 22 to seal their fate.
Team Kelly 137, Juicy J 135
Team Kelly had a nice week from his starting receivers, as Victor Cruz and Reggie Wayne combined for 13 catches, 214 yards and 4 scores (57 points). The difference in this matchup came down to Juicy J having bad performances out of Stevan Ridley and Roddy White (a combined 5 points). Both teams look strong looking forward.
SCLSU Mud Dogs 163, Titsburgh Feelers 111
I'm not sure whether to classify this as incest or crimes against nature, but Little Brother sure took it deep from Big Brother. Amazingly, the only single digit scorer on the Mud Dogs was Calvin Johnson (7 points), and he had two TD's called back. Tate had 25+ points out of LeSean McCoy (25), Larry Fitzgerald (28) and Jared Cook (31) and even had a 28 point performance from Julius Thomas on the bench. Brett had a tough week, with his three running backs scoring just 6 total points and his co-top scorer being the Cowgirls' defense (26). His receivers are strong, as Julio Jones and Andre Johnson combined for 44 points (and his bench guys Miles Austin, Emmanuel Sanders and Alshon Jeffrey combined for 38 as well), but he needs Marshawn Lynch to step up his game and David Wilson and Ahmad Bradshaw to actually get in the game to improve.
Team Sexton 151, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 129
Team Sexton put up five individual efforts of 23 or more points (Luck - 24, Bush - 29, Marshall - 24, Cobb - 23 and Jackson - 23). With just 19 points combined between his TE, K and DEF and just 9 out of Trent Richardson, the best could still be yet to come. Shmitty Werbenmanjensen's offensive starters all put up 14 or more points, but nobody really broke out, as the highest scorer was Owen Daniels with 23 points. With a healthy Arian Foster and bigger performances out of Drew Brees on the horizon, they're a team to watch.
Here are the NFL game recaps!
Broncos 49, Ravens 27
The Peyton Manning show took over on Thursday night. Fuck you for playing him and Wes Welker against me, Aziz.
Brynden Trawick (more like Tardwick) killed his teammate Jacoby Jones
Danny Trevathan pulled a DeSean Jackson
Patriots 23, Bills 21
Poor Bills. They hang with the Patriots for the entire game and then lose on a last second field goal and then on top of it all, they still have to live in Buffalo.
Shane Vereen took over after Stevan Ridley had this ghost fumble. Vereen broke his wrist on his first snap and still managed to rush for over 100 yards and catch 7 passes. He'll be out at least 4 weeks and is on my team. Shiiiiit.
Bears 24, Bengals 21
The Bengals led the game 21-10 in the third quarter, but the Bears turned a Mohamed Sanu fumble into a late TD. Rey Maualuga helped seal the deal for the Bears with this judo move.
Dolphins 23, Browns 10
Did anyone actually watch this game, including Dolphins/Browns fans? I'm not convinced that the game actually happened, because there is no GIF evidence out there. So as a replacement, here is a GIF of dreadlock guy and creep guy videobombing Erin Andrews
Lions 34, Vikings 24
This was actually a pretty exciting game between the Lions and Adrian Peterson. If the Vikings had a QB other than Christian "Has a retard arm but somehow this motherfucker still found a way to bang Samantha Steele" Ponder, the Vikings might have made more of a game out of it. And the best part of the game is FOUR GIFS.
Adrian Peterson is fucking good.
Ndamukong Suh with his weekly dick move
I want Joe Fauria to score one million TD's now just for the GIFs
Colts 21, Raiders 17
If you're wondering "wow, are the Raiders actually good?" please slip the noose around your neck right now because that's a stupid question. Andrew Luck threw for 2 TD's and ran for 1 but was still somewhat upstaged by Terrelle Pryor's 329 combined yards and 1 bowled-over sideline bro.
But seriously, the Raiders thought they were gonna be so bad this year that they didn't even practice chest bumping!
Saints 23, Falcons 17
Shouldn't this game have gotten more buzz? I mean, it was a matchup between 2 likely playoff teams and was also Sean Payton's first game back after Bounty Gate. Roddy White played in the game pretty much to only serve as a decoy, and will supposedly be limited by his ankle sprain for up to 4 more weeks. Good thing I own him in half of my leagues. Also, this happened to seal the game for NO.
Jets 18, Buccaneers 17
This late hit out of bounds by Lavonte David set up the Jets' game winning field goal. Funny, I thought that former Miami Hurricanes were always cool and composed.
Can't wait to see this little douche get his ass beat in 10 years.
Also, ED HOCHULI'S FOREARMS
Titans 16, Steelers 9
How bad are the Steelers going to be this year? They were gifted 2 points a gigantic moron (who went to WVU, so not a huge surprise). Fortunately, this game was on the big screen Peter and I were facing at Mister Days, so we got to watch the whole goddamn godawful game.
Seahawks 12, Panthers 7
Maybe it's just me being bitter about the Redskins losing to the Seahawks in the playoffs, but seriously? You could only beat the Panthers by 5? The Panthers led 7-6 in the fourth quarter and had a chance to take the lead late when DerpAngelo Williams fumbled the ball away on the Seahawks' 8 yard line.
Nothing all that exciting happened, so here's the punch that got Panthers DE Frank Alexander booted from the game.
Rams 27, Cardinals 24
Jared Cook had a day, catching 2 TD passes and fumbling away what would have been #3 thanks to the Honey Badger, who still doesn't give a fuck.
Also, FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN!!!
Chiefs 28, Jaguars 2
The derp bowl took place in Jacksonville this week in another game that nobody watched. Apparently the Chiefs won 28-2.
My boy Brandon Flowers had a pick-6
The Jaguars mascot isn't a fan of Donnie Avery TD's
Also, FAT GUY ASS!!!
49ers 34, Packers 28
Colin Kaepernick torched the Packers through the air with 412 yards and 3 TD's, including 208/1 to Anquan Boldin and 98/2 to Vernon Davis. Aaron Rodgers wasn't exactly a slouch (333 yards, 3 TD and 1 pick), but it wasn't quite enough to get the Packers out of Candlestick on top. And for the second year in a row, the Packers have
gotten fucked over by a bad call
Clay Matthews lost his cool, but got his money's worth
"THAT'S MY QUARTERBACK!"
Cowgirls 36, Giants 31
The Giants turned the ball over 6 times and still only lost by 5. Obviously, Manningface
Jason Witten and Tony Romo are so close that when Romo got his ribs crushed, Witten went ahead and did the throwing up for him. What a pal!
Also, Dez Bryant hates Gatorade
Iggles 33, Redskins 27
In the first half, Chip Kelly's offense looked unstoppable and the Redskins' looked very stoppable. In the second half, the Redskins made it a game as RGIII got more comfortable, but they played themselves so far out in the first half that it barely mattered.
This is how I feel about the game
DeAngelo Hall scored on the OJ Simpson White Ford Bronco chase of return TD's. Hard to tell if it was a forward pass or not due to ESPN not having a straight down the line camera angle.
That's a good way for a rookie to leave an impression on his coaches. Literally.
No worries for the Skins, though. Lots of hugs and love going around!
Texans 31, Chargers 28
I'll defer to the SB Nation post-mortem:
"Cause of death: Rivers got the ball back ten minutes into the third quarters with his team leading by two touchdowns. He'd played well to that point, completing 13 of 20 passes for four touchdowns and no turnovers. That's why this Three Mile Island of a closing effort - 1/9, 8 yards passing, and a pick on the last five San Diego drives - was especially painful watch, because Philip Rivers had JUST demonstrated he didn't have to do Philip Rivers Things."
But for the first half, Philip Rivers was back from the dead!
I LIKE BIG BLOCKS AND I CANNOT LIE
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