Week 5 is ova. Here are your matchup recaps and NFL GIF-caps.
Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's is here. Week 3's is here. Week 4's is here.
SCLSU Mud Dogs 139, Don't Suh Me Bro 135
Last night was rough for Bean. He bet the Falcons -10, the under (42?) and started Bilal Powell (4 points) over Jacquizz Rodgers (21 points) when he needed 9 to win. And the Red Sox lost on a walk-off to Jose Lobaton. Tony Romo (40), LeSean McCoy (20) and Julius Thomas (33) paved the way to victory for Tater's Tots, and things could have been even better had he started TY Hilton (31) over Brian Hartline (10) or Jared Cook (5). The Beanie Babies made a ballsy choice to start Philip Rivers (18) over Tom Brady (5), one that certainly worked in their favor. Big performances were had by Chris Johnson (17), Denarius Moore (19), Jason Witten (25) and Justin Blackmon (24). Don't Suh Me Bro faces the only remaining undefeated team next week, Miley's VMA Foam Finger, but does so with Adrian Peterson back in the starting lineup. The Mud Dogs face 2-2-1 Team Kelly with their full complement of players minus Brian Hartline, but Megatron's assumed return from injury should be just fine in his spot.
Team Kelly 138, Shmitty Werbenmanjensen 111
Team Kelly put up the 2nd highest point total this week with 2 of their 3 highest scorers on the bench in Russell Wilson (22) and Pierre Thomas (29). They had a balanced attack of double digit scorers, including Ray Rice (25), Tony Gonzalez (19), Danny Woodhead (19) and San Francisco's D (also 19). Matt's Bostaph had a bunch of solid performances but no real standouts, and with 4 players on bye, scored the third fewest points this week. Alex Henery was their top scorer this week with 20 points, and when a kicker leads your team in scoring, you should be punched in the face at least twice. Drew Brees (19), Arian Foster (15) and Frank Gore (14) all put together solid games, but this week they lacked those 20+ point guys that win games. Team Kelly faces a hot SCLSU Mud Dogs team next week while Shmitty Werbenmanjensen faces the also 1-4 Titsburgh Feelers.
Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend 137, Juicy J 94
Peter Rabbit had 2 starters on bye this week (RGIII and Vincent Jackson) but still breezed to victory on the backs of Jamaal Charles (22) as well as those 2's replacements, Terrelle Pryor (19) and James Jones (22). Juicy J had Alfred Morris on bye and is still snakebitten by drafting Roddy White 32nd overall (don't worry, John, I did the same thing in like 5 leagues). Eric Decker and Vernon Davis each scored 17 for Juicy J, who could have used a bigger game out of Aaron Rodgers (14), the rest of their RB/WR's (28 points by 4 players) or the Falcons' D (3). MTFG faces off against Team Sexton next week in what should be one of the best matchups of the season while Juicy J finally gets a creampuff opponent in 4-1 Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe. Wait, what?!?
Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe 130, Titsburgh Feelers 111
Thank God for Dez Bryant (30), Jimmy Graham (23) and Hakeem Nicks (23), as my QB and RB's combined to score 25 points. That's what happens when you have 3 NE RB's on your squad. Brett had a fantastic week by Alshon Jeffrey (37) spoiled by an otherwise pooptastic week by the rest of his guys, as Matt Ryan (18), Julio Jones (17), Marshawn Lynch (11) and Martellus Bennett (10) were the only others to score double digits. I get Doug Martin and hopefully Stevan Ridley back next week for my matchup with Juicy J (which I'm positive will result in the Juiciest of W's for John, knowing my luck), while Brett faces his butt buddy Matt without his starting QB or WR (Ryan/Julio).
Miley's VMA Foam Finger 127, Team Sexton 125
It was obvious that this game was gonna be a good one, as the only two undefeated teams left in our league clashed. What I didn't expect was that they would put up the 6th and 7th highest scores this week. Step up your game, bros! Once again, Peyton and his Manthing won the game for Aziz, scoring 36 points (and double dipping with Wes Welker, who scored 15, always helps). Fragile Freddie Jackson (25) also had a splendid week for the Gonorrhea Fingers. Sexton Rexton had 10+ points out of every player but Trent Richardson (5), but like Shmitty, they didn't have that one breakout player who could make up for a bunch of decent but not great 10-14 point performances. DeSean Jackson led the way with 26 points, but no other player scored more than 17. Kyle's boys don't have much time to recover, as they pull the 2nd highest scoring team in the league next week, MTFG. Miley's Foam Dildo gets Team Edwards, which is cute because one is a Steelers fan and the other loves Bungholes (and the Bengals).
Here are your NFL GIF-caps!
Browns 37, Bills 24
I'll be honest, this game was a lot more exciting than I expected out of Browns-Bills. There were touchdowns (not gonna lie, I was expecting about zero). There were butt slaps (see below). And both teams put up some serious points despite losing their QB's of the future to knee injuries (and yes, Brian Hoyer is THE FUTURE OF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!).
Booty butt butt butt
Hoyer Sacksa:
EJ "needs to read a" Manuel (on how to avoid unneccesary contact) (and special cameo appearance by me!!):
Even when the Browns win at football, they still lose at life:
Eagles 36, Giants 21
Remember when you thought the Giants were going to win this game? Guess you haven't seen the 2013 Giants, then.
HELMETPICK!
The season is slipping through the Giants' fingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that's just the ball slipping through their fingers. The season is long gone.
My boy David Wilson did get his first TD of the year, did backflips, and then promptly got hurt:
Manning face happened
Packers 22, Lions 9
Megatron missed the game, which made it infinitely less exciting than it could have been. The Packers extended their winning streak against Detroit in Wisconsin to 17 billion (okay, actually 23).
Randall Cobb made a nice catch:
He also had a nice run:
The Lions had one highlight:
This is the dance I do when I finish the league post:
Chiefs 26, Titans 17
The Titans played pretty well despite starting Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. Fitzmagic was actually their leading rusher, with 6 carries for 50 yards and a TD. Chris Johnson sucks, with 10 carries for 17 yards (even though he had a 49 yard TD grab, he still sucks). Jamaal Charles had a 100 yard day with a TD thrown in there. KC got another defensive TD and is 5-0. ANDY REID IS 5-0!!
Chris Johnson had the ball and took it to the end zone:
Colts 34, Shehawks 28
Welp, somebody finally beat the Shehawks. Andrew Luck threw for 229 and 2 TD's to knock off his sophomore counterpart Russell Wilson (210 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, and 102 yards rushing). Trent Richardson sucks (18 carries for 56 yards).
Jon Ryan got BLOWED UP!
TY Hilton does touchdown things:
Bengals 13, Patriots 6
This game was gross. Tom Brady was out-dueled by Andy "Soulless Ginger" Dalton, and saw his streak of consecutive games with TD passes end at 52. There were 4 FG's and a 1 yard Benjarvus Green-Ellis rushing TD. Ben creamed all over the house, to make things
Pacman goes nomnomnom
Sad Tommy Kelly is sad
Mad Tom Brady is mad
I think we should consider this to be a cry for help:
Rams 34, Jaguars 20
In a game where the Jaguars lost their 2 franchise players to injury (Luke Joeckel and Blaine Gab-hahahahhahahaha I can't even finish the joke), the Jaguars only lost by 2 TD's. After looking like hot garbage all season, Sam Bradford threw for 222 and 3 TD's. Austin Pettis scored 2 TD's, which leads me to ask, who is Austin Pettis?
Oh yeah, I remember who Austin Pettis is :(
Who cares about the pick-6? The Jaguars were actually leading in a football game!!
Saints 26, Bears 18
The Saints were great in the first half and good enough in the second to knock off DA BEARS. Drew Brees threw for 288 and 2 TD's (both to PIERRE THOMAS) and Alshon Jeffrey had 218 yards receiving on 10 catches. Brandon who?
I want to blame this on Jay Cutler because duh, but I can't bring myself to do so.
Pierre Thomas is French for Peter Thomas I think
Ravens 26, Dolphins 23
Ray Rice is back from the dead, with 74 yards on the ground and 2 TD's. Charles Clay got his 3rd TD of the season. Who?
Joe Flacco pick-6? Joe Flacco pick-6.
The Dolphins sent this game into overtime according to their mascot:
Broncos 51, Cowgirls 48
Man, what a game. The Cowgirls fought back time and time again, making for excellent television. And then they lost! Perfect game to spend my Sunday early evening watching. Tony Romo played extremely well (506 yards, 5 TD), but there is no way to justify his late pick. Even when he has the best game of his career, he still choked. Sorry I'm not sorry. Peyton Manning threw for 414, 4 TD and a pick (and also ran for one, as you'll see below).
I thought Cowgirls' cheerleaders were supposed to be hot?
Imagine all of the Broncos defenders as Jessica Simpson to make this funnier:
Nice hands, Dez (for once, I'm not being sarcastic)
BUTTTACKLE!
Peyton Manning can do no wrong:
And then, to cap it all off: Romo's gonna Romo:
Jerry Jones' emotional afternoon:
Cardinals 22, Panthers 6
Did you know that some poor people actually had to watch this game instead of Denver-Dallas? How sad. Here's what you missed:
(nothing)
Cam Newton blew (his nose, see below), throwing for 308 yards but 3 picks. Rashard Mendenhall blew, running for 48 yards but grabbing a TD. The Cardinals' D played well if you're into that sorta thing.
Safety! Nothing clever here, I'm too mad at Cam Newton for screwing my team in multiple leagues.
49ers 34, Texans 3
Wow, the Texans are outright bad. The Pride of UVA, Matt Schaub, threw for 173 and 3 picks. He was then benched for TJ Yates. Colin Kaepernick only needed to attempt 15 passes (and complete 6 of them) in this huge victory. San Fran didn't even play that well themselves, but did put together a nice 177 yard performance on the ground, including TD's from Frank Gore and Anthony Dixon, and tacked on a long passing TD to Vernon Davis late in the game.
The only GIFS I could find from this game are sad Matt Schaub:
Raiders 27, Chargers 17
The Sunday Late Night Game saw Philip Rivers do his Tony Romo impression, going 36/49 for 411 and 2 TD's, but with 3 picks to go along with them. Eddie Royal and Danny Woodhead added turnovers (the latter of which became Charles Woodson's 13th defensive TD of his career, tying the all-time record).
Ouch:
Philip Rivers tries Manning Face on:
Jets 30, Falcons 28
THE JETS BEAT THE FALCONS IN A GAME OF FOOTBALL. LOL. I don't dislike the Falcons by any means (nor do I like the Jets), but boy do I enjoy a nice upset on Monday Night. Geno Smith completed 80% of his passes for 199 yards and 3 TD's (!!!!!!) and added 21 yards on the ground. The Jets' 4-headed running attack (much to the chagrin of the world's only Bilal Powell fan, Ben Edwards) went for 118 yards on 22 carries. Nick Folk kicked 3 FG's. Wow. Matt Ryan had a nice game (36/45 for 319 and 2 TD/0 picks), but that, Julio Jones and Tony Gonzalez's 90+ yard performances, and Jacquizz's 2 rushing TD's just weren't enough to pull out a win.
Damn, the Jets have a sexy cheerleader
Julio only needs 1 hand to whoop your ass
I'm still amazed that this happened, even though nothing really happened
I still need the $20 from Tyler and Matt. Please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me (sean.t.hogan@gmail.com). If you don't pay, I will pick a random scene from Breaking Bad to act out on both of you. You better hope it involves making you breakfast.
The Saints were great in the first half and good enough in the second to knock off DA BEARS. Drew Brees threw for 288 and 2 TD's (both to PIERRE THOMAS) and Alshon Jeffrey had 218 yards receiving on 10 catches. Brandon who?
I want to blame this on Jay Cutler because duh, but I can't bring myself to do so.
Pierre Thomas is French for Peter Thomas I think
Ravens 26, Dolphins 23
Ray Rice is back from the dead, with 74 yards on the ground and 2 TD's. Charles Clay got his 3rd TD of the season. Who?
Joe Flacco pick-6? Joe Flacco pick-6.
The Dolphins sent this game into overtime according to their mascot:
Broncos 51, Cowgirls 48
Man, what a game. The Cowgirls fought back time and time again, making for excellent television. And then they lost! Perfect game to spend my Sunday early evening watching. Tony Romo played extremely well (506 yards, 5 TD), but there is no way to justify his late pick. Even when he has the best game of his career, he still choked. Sorry I'm not sorry. Peyton Manning threw for 414, 4 TD and a pick (and also ran for one, as you'll see below).
I thought Cowgirls' cheerleaders were supposed to be hot?
Imagine all of the Broncos defenders as Jessica Simpson to make this funnier:
Nice hands, Dez (for once, I'm not being sarcastic)
BUTTTACKLE!
Peyton Manning can do no wrong:
And then, to cap it all off: Romo's gonna Romo:
Jerry Jones' emotional afternoon:
Cardinals 22, Panthers 6
Did you know that some poor people actually had to watch this game instead of Denver-Dallas? How sad. Here's what you missed:
(nothing)
Cam Newton blew (his nose, see below), throwing for 308 yards but 3 picks. Rashard Mendenhall blew, running for 48 yards but grabbing a TD. The Cardinals' D played well if you're into that sorta thing.
Safety! Nothing clever here, I'm too mad at Cam Newton for screwing my team in multiple leagues.
49ers 34, Texans 3
Wow, the Texans are outright bad. The Pride of UVA, Matt Schaub, threw for 173 and 3 picks. He was then benched for TJ Yates. Colin Kaepernick only needed to attempt 15 passes (and complete 6 of them) in this huge victory. San Fran didn't even play that well themselves, but did put together a nice 177 yard performance on the ground, including TD's from Frank Gore and Anthony Dixon, and tacked on a long passing TD to Vernon Davis late in the game.
The only GIFS I could find from this game are sad Matt Schaub:
Raiders 27, Chargers 17
The Sunday Late Night Game saw Philip Rivers do his Tony Romo impression, going 36/49 for 411 and 2 TD's, but with 3 picks to go along with them. Eddie Royal and Danny Woodhead added turnovers (the latter of which became Charles Woodson's 13th defensive TD of his career, tying the all-time record).
Ouch:
Philip Rivers tries Manning Face on:
Jets 30, Falcons 28
THE JETS BEAT THE FALCONS IN A GAME OF FOOTBALL. LOL. I don't dislike the Falcons by any means (nor do I like the Jets), but boy do I enjoy a nice upset on Monday Night. Geno Smith completed 80% of his passes for 199 yards and 3 TD's (!!!!!!) and added 21 yards on the ground. The Jets' 4-headed running attack (much to the chagrin of the world's only Bilal Powell fan, Ben Edwards) went for 118 yards on 22 carries. Nick Folk kicked 3 FG's. Wow. Matt Ryan had a nice game (36/45 for 319 and 2 TD/0 picks), but that, Julio Jones and Tony Gonzalez's 90+ yard performances, and Jacquizz's 2 rushing TD's just weren't enough to pull out a win.
Damn, the Jets have a sexy cheerleader
Julio only needs 1 hand to whoop your ass
I'm still amazed that this happened, even though nothing really happened
I still need the $20 from Tyler and Matt. Please either mail me a check, give me cash or PayPal me (sean.t.hogan@gmail.com). If you don't pay, I will pick a random scene from Breaking Bad to act out on both of you. You better hope it involves making you breakfast.
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